Breath as Distance

Quarantine Diaries: Day 45 and counting

I was standing in line outside the supermarket a couple of days ago with a shopping list in my hand. I kept this little piece of paper as if it was something sacred, my face staring at the pavement, and every couple of minutes I moved a bit forward. While waiting, I was thinking about how this virus has drastically changed our human behavior and interaction. We carefully circulate wearing masks and gloves, respecting the recommended one-meter distance from the other person. And meanwhile, the sensations we were mostly looking for in the other human beings- the touch, the hug, the communication- have become potentially harmful.

Our breaths are portrayed as lethal weapons and we are protecting ourselves profoundly. The life-giving force — our own breath — is now toxic. And we are hiding from it. We are building a wall around our bodies and we are getting far away from the toxicity.

And while we stay in quarantine and we are doing all these daily sacrifices in order to protect our physical health, we might not be investing the same effort to protect our mental health when faced with toxicity.

On a first note, are we able to identify toxic behaviors? Why is it so complicated to distance ourselves from harmful relationships? And lastly, how learning to walk away can sexually empower us?

Let’s make a reference to the mental concept around which most of us grow up. We learn that we are not complete until we find our special other half. Concept which in its core is meant to be romantic, but in reality, it undermines the worth of individuality. We start our lives aspiring to meet THE special one who will fulfill the expectations for our very happy ending. Women tend to bear this responsibility more heavily, as still in many modern societies, the main purpose of a woman is to get married and be a mother.

While growing up with the anxiety of “finally being complete”, our filters and judgement could get distorted. There may be a tendency to disregard behaviors which make us feel uncomfortable so that we do not seem overly demanding. We forgive acts and words that undermine our worth so that we do not prove our expectations wrong. We falsely depend our self-esteem on the opinion of one person. We get tangled in physically, mentally and/or sexually abusive relationships and we seem unable to get out.

But as obvious an unhealthy relationship might seem to an external observer, it can prove quite complicated for the abused person to understand. And that is mostly because while growing up we were not taught a basic rule of human interaction: how to establish healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries is a fundamental exercise for self-care. While protecting our identity and being open about our needs and desires, we promote an environment of growth and vulnerability. Building relationships with others is crucial for our development, however, raising self-awareness and identifying our values should be the first step towards it. And if we are taught how to conserve our emotional energy, then it might be easier to identify someone who is trying to absorb it or waste it.

Saying a simple “no” holds immense power. It expresses the power to choose, the power to stand up for what you deserve, the power to be the person you want to be. A “no” does not need more than a breath to be said, but it is capable of changing the course of your life. While saying no to a toxic environment, you are opening up to new possibilities. To new potent journeys and trajectories. YOU are taking control.

And having control over your own life is sexually empowering.

Being self-aware is sexually empowering.

Respecting your set of boundaries is sexually empowering.

Because it all comes down to having the courage to express your true identity. Your authentic desires, your unique talents, your personal experiences.

And there is nothing more empowering than accepting and loving yourself.

So, let’s teach our youth how to be self-reliant. How to understand their motives, how to trust their intuition. How to be assertive and how to express their vulnerability. Let’s teach them how to take responsibility for their actions and how to deal with rejection.

And most importantly, how to embrace every aspect of their identity.

The quarantine will be over soon and the coronavirus pandemic will be added to the pages of our modern history. However, let’s hold in our thoughts how the isolation made us feel. How we experienced the fear of contagion every time someone was approaching us. How we lost control over our daily routines and how we were struggling to adapt to the temporary detention.

The toxic breath entrapped us in our homes for the same reason an abused person is stuck in a manipulative environment; out of fear.

Fear is an emotion that distorts our clear vision of the facts. And no matter how helpless you might feel in your confinement, you can assume control. Assume control of your thoughts and then of your actions. Embrace your emotions and know your worth. Practice self-care and visualize your life after the toxicity is gone.

And as our breaths slowly merge again, we can step by step, set the foundation for our self-created happy ending.