A Compassionate Approach to Sex Addiction

Photo Source: https://www.wildwomanmagick.com/about

Chantel Porter is an Intuitive Womb Coach helping women who struggle to trust and feel safe in their bodies. Upon working through her own sexual trauma and cultural conditioning, she realized she wanted to enter the sexual well-being space to help other women break free of the past and patriarchy to heal the pain they’ve borne.

MSB: What do you think about the controversy regarding the existence of sex addiction? Some say it is a compulsive disorder and not an addiction. Do you agree with this?

CP: I think that there will always be disagreement on this topic and sexual wellness as a whole. We all come to the table with our own beliefs programmed into us or those we have de-programmed. Healing my trauma over the last four years through seeking knowledge in this realm, I have learned that when trauma exists, especially sexual trauma, "sex addiction" can occur. It looks like any excessive behaviour, not just sexual. Addictions are often the result of trying to cover the pain that we don't know how to deal with or have been conditioned to ignore.

Society, and often our families, don't want to talk about the uncomfortable issues. “Suck it up; push on; it's in your head; you must have wanted it...” All sorts of messages get in there. As women, we carry so much shame around our bodies and learn very early that our bodies can be used as "tools" to obtain "love" and attention. I had learned that my body wasn't my own. It was for the pleasure and satisfaction of men and if they were going to take what they wanted from me whether I wanted [them] to or not, then I may as well give it to them. There are many issues with this, but this led me to chase the high I got from sexual attention, confusing connection, intimacy and love for sex and sexual encounters.

I believe there is self-worth, trauma and many other things that come into play when discussing sex addiction and the topic of sexual desire and sex drive between individuals and sexes. If you talk to many Catholic people, they have been led to believe that if they watch porn or masturbate, they have a sex addiction. It is a dangerous and slippery slope. Creating pain, trauma and shame around sex, especially in men, leads to so much suffering.

MSB: You are passionate about working with women “ꜱᴛʀᴜɢɢʟɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴛʀᴜꜱᴛ+ꜰᴇᴇʟ ꜱᴀꜰᴇ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ʙᴏᴅʏ ᴅᴜᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏᴍᴇꜱᴛɪᴄᴀᴛɪᴏɴ+ᴛʀᴀᴜᴍᴀ.” Have you ever encountered anyone with sex addiction or hypersexuality? How could you say this experience changes when it's a woman going through it?

Photo Source: https://www.wildwomanmagick.com/about

CP: I have been one of those women and I have worked with women who experience hypersexuality and a high sex drive. Women and men are not different [in worth], but we still have differing sex drives. We have our unique gas pedals for arousal and brakes for what kills our desire. Then add trauma, shame and abuse to the mix and it can create hypersexuality or the opposite, no sex drive at all.

As I mentioned before, we are all individuals and our life experiences and beliefs impact all of this. Men tend to have a higher sex drive than women. They are very visual, and because women are more connection-based, we can become confused about men's sexual drive, leading us to shame and belittle them, even believing they have sexual addictions. It's important to understand our own unique drives as people and then understand our potential partners’.

MSB: We at My Sex Bio believe that when we are not sexually repressed, we can take charge of our sexual biographies. How do you think women can embrace their sexual selves and unlearn the shame that could come with "domestication+trauma?"

CP: One of my most important suggestions is to understand your drive. What are your breaks? What is your gas pedal? Dr. Alexandra Solomon wrote a book about this, "Taking Sexy Back." I recommend every single woman to read this book to figure out her unique drive. It is an empowering step that allows us to have an open dialogue with our partner/s about what does and doesn't work. Taking responsibility for our sexuality as women helps to eliminate shame. Learning from educators who are spreading impactful and helpful information is vital to do this work within ourselves.

MSB: Have you ever worked with someone who loved or was in a relationship with a sex addict? How did this impact their ability to trust and feel safe in their own bodies?

CP: It is vital for anyone who believes there is an issue with their partner's sexual activity to have an open discussion about it. We are responsible for creating safety and security within our bodies. No matter what has happened, it is not the responsibility of another person to create safety within us. That is the first thing to know. When we give responsibility to others, we give our power away. Trust and safety are created within. Then we can communicate to our partners our boundaries and non-negotiables. If respect for those boundaries is absent, it is up to us to decide if that is the kind of person we want to be with. If a partner has a "sex addiction," firm boundaries will need to be present for safety within ourselves. Both people get the guidance and help they need from a coach or a professional for the respective issues.

MSB: Technology is shaping our lives and the way we interact with each other. What role do you think technology plays when it comes to sex addiction?

CP: I think that technology has made certain kinds of content more readily available, but that is not the problem. Education, or lack of it, is a problem. Shame and pretending like we are not the animals we are. Humans are animals with sexual drives and behaviors that are completely natural. Ancient people knew this, but patriarchy has shamed and controlled sex, making it a dirty thing women aren't supposed to want but give to their husbands. We are so disconnected from each other, from ourselves and our humanness. We have put humans into boxes, with shackles on, and given them all these ridiculous rules about how they must behave, what is acceptable and not. It always breeds issues and eventually, people begin to break.

MSB: Is there any way we can practice compassion with a sex addict at the same time we are still able to hold our boundaries and keep ourselves safe?

CP: To have compassion for others, we have to be able to have compassion for ourselves. Being compassionate implies that we understand how a person could be struggling with whatever it is due to their life experiences. We have to realize that each person has their view of the world, their own beliefs, their voice inside their head and their struggles. Getting the proper counseling and help for the mental health issues at hand is the only answer. We must set and uphold healthy boundaries with ourselves and how people treat us. You cannot force a person to change. They have to want it and be willing to put in the work. Keeping yourself safe means educating yourself on what that means and what your needs are.