Dr. Kate Balestrieri is helping people find peace with their sexual selves.

Dr. Kate Balestrieri is a Licensed Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and PACT II trained Couples Therapist. She is the co-founder of Triune Therapy Group in Los Angeles, California and founder of Modern Intimacy, which focuses on mental health, relationships and sexuality.

When Kate and I realized the significant overlap between her work and the My Sex Bio mission, we knew a collaboration was inevitable. Together we tapped into the secrets of modern dating, sexual peace and so much more. I am so glad to be able to share our conversation with you today.

MSB: I understand that you have a doctorate in Clinical Psychology, but with a focus on Forensic Psychology. How does this translate into Sex Therapy? And how did you come to that intersection?

KB: My entry into the world of psychology was through the lens of forensic psychology, which entails any context in which the fields of law and psychology intersect. Having a penchant for true crime shows, and a desire to understand the motives behind some of the most egregious human behaviors, I dove deep into the belly of the prison systems and worked with individuals classified as “Sexually Violent Persons” and “non-sexual high-risk violent offenders” for several years.

In my work with the prison systems, it became abundantly clear that many of the crimes that compelled people into the legal system were committed due to the role of unresolved trauma on the individuals’ cognitive, emotional, relational, physiological and spiritual lives.

Especially curious was the impact of sexual trauma, and how rampantly it was reported amongst the male and female inmates.

There were so many layers to which sexuality was relevant and the front and center topic of treatment. After all, the prisons are just a microcosm of society at large. Sexual trauma, sexual frustration, deprivation, compulsivity, betrayal, exploitation, shame, redemption… it was all there. The men and women I worked with were at times incredibly resilient and other times, incredibly regressed.

At the root of all of the problems and struggles my patients and I tackled was a slew of unmet needs, and a resulting fusion of anger, shame, fear and sexuality. I developed a multidimensional program that addressed the long-term cross-sectional (mind/body/relational/behavioral) impacts of sexual trauma that blended individual therapy, group therapy and somatic work (trauma sensitive yoga and mindfulness).

The inmates who participated responded favorably, and evidenced a dramatic reduction in problematic and recidivistic behaviors. However, after some time, working in a prison became taxing, as they are notoriously overburdened and underfunded systems. I started a private practice in Chicago’s Gold Coast neighborhood and was a few blocks from a well-known treatment center for addiction.

Many of the referrals I received were related to addiction, and what I observed is that with compulsive substance use…were compulsive behaviors related to food, money, sex and relationships. It was at that time that a desire to focus on sexuality became clear. After moving to Los Angeles in 2014, I worked at a few agencies and treatment centers while building my private practice, and then decided to open Triune Therapy Group in 2016.

MSB: Can you tell me a bit about Triune Therapy Group? Why did that feel like the best next step?

KB: Triune Therapy Group is a vision I’ve had since my early graduate school years. I wanted a space dedicated to treating trauma, and helping people heal. This was in 2005, when the focus on trauma in psychology was still burgeoning. Implicitly, I knew treating the body had to be a part of healing, though I did not see many treatment centers incorporating informed, trauma-sensitive somatic work.

So when I met my business partner in 2014, and learned that she too valued somatic work, we decided to merge our practices and establish a group that focused on treating trauma, addiction, disordered eating, and sex and relationship issues from a holistic perspective. We offer myriad services including individual, couples, and group therapy, online workshops and at times, customized outpatient intensives for people who wished to focus on healing more acutely but who may not have wanted to embark on a higher level of care.

Our team is compassionate, well-educated, innovative and integrative. Having taught for over 10 years in various graduate programs, rigorous training and continuing education, it is important for me and my staff. We are located in Brentwood, Los Angeles, and I am hoping to transition my concierge Miami practice into a fully functioning office toward the end of this year or start of 2021.

MSB: I understand that you are currently working on a book, F*ck You, F*ck Me: Sex, Money and Anger in Relationships and Modern Society. Can you tell me a bit about it?

KB: This book is my baby and a culmination of my life’s work to date. It’s been in process for a few years, as the growing temperature of rage and power wars continue to saturate the landscape of sexuality in our culture and in relationships. Internationally, we are seeing rage over unmet needs get enacted sexually and through the commoditization of others.

My book will explore why this has happened, for the individual and as a culture at large, discuss the interpersonal and neurobiological aspects as well provide multiple narratives about how sex, money and anger have been and remain inextricable in our quest for worth and survival. The book will dig into real-life cases and explore the etiology of exploitation, porn, infidelity, overt, covert and image-based sexual abuse, power, shame, obsession, etc.

MSB: That sounds like an incredibly interesting read. When is it coming out?

KB: My hope is to have it out in 2020, but the world continues to provide more fodder, so 2021 is the more likely scenario.

MSB: It’s interesting that you mention this anger and violence over unmet needs as it regards to our sexuality. I feel that idea aligns highly with what we believe at My Sex Bio. One of our mottos is that peace with your sexual-self reflects outward and spreads throughout the world. Do you feel that resonates with you?

KB: Thich Nhat Hanh wrote: “Reconciliation means to work it out within yourself so that peace can be restored. Reconcile with yourself for the sake of the world, for the sake of all living beings. Your peace and serenity are crucial for all of us.”

This quote resonates with me, especially with regard to sexual dis-ease, because one’s tension (e.g., frustration, shame, fear, etc.) with sexuality builds within the self, and fights a natural and organic truth; sexuality is a biological imperative.

But our sexuality is not just a set of sexual behaviors. It is a way of thinking, a creative and spiritual expression, a connective tissue throughout society, a paradigm through which we view the world, and when weaponized, a method of expressing anger over unmet needs.

Sexuality can also be a source of anger in its presence or absence, (i.e., trauma, scarcity, exploitation, entitlement, etc.) and those frustrations shape each person’s unique construction of their identity, which in turn shapes the way they interact with others, and the cascading rippling effect is endless.

The feedback loop between the individual and society is ever in play, as each person shapes the culture within which they live, and is in turn influenced by it. So, peace with oneself sexually has a direct impact on the lives of all around you, sexually, relationally, restoratively, physically, economically, and intergenerationally.

Sex is a facet of the human condition that will always remain inextricably connected to every other domain of the human experience, no matter how hard we may try to compartmentalize it.

MSB: I absolutely love that! So well said. Moving on to another topic entirely, in April of this year, we were talking all about “the new [dating] normal.” When you hear that phrase, what image does it conjure?

KB: What immediately comes to mind is that the concept of “normal” dating is elusive and most people who are dating in today’s climate seem to throw up their hands in defeat.

MSB: Why do you think that is? Is this feeling of defeat something that defines modern dating culture? And how do you see it as different from, say, ten years ago?

KB: Technology has changed the way we socialize, look for partners, value others, interact with prospective partners, and that coupled with economic shifts, the manner in which people are dating is largely determined by their belief in an ability to support themselves, which many young adults are navigating differently than same aged generations before them.

There are different professional, economic, and housing realties that are shifting the way people think about bonding. When this is factored together with technological advances that have altered the norms around connecting socially, most people feel confused about what dating even means or its purpose. There is a bifurcated cultural divide happening today; one toward traditional, sex-within-marriage ideas and one that leans toward more sexual liberation.

The landscape of dating is now one where political and ideological differences are less tolerated. This has created some hostility and defensiveness amongst singles who are afraid they will be ostracized or shamed if their beliefs are divergent from those around them. The #metoo movement has left a noticeable mark on our collective psyche; one that was needed and still evolving. The unfortunate fallout is that many people (even when they are on the same side of the conversation) feel nervous about proceeding in a way that is both collaborative and self-protective, leaving many people scared to engage and unsure of how best to move forward.

This isolation creates more fear, shame, or anger-based dynamics in dating and can foster the same kinds of insecurities and entitlements that perpetuate exploitative or abusive behavior in the first place. Without an active and collaborative, empathy-based and reciprocal conversation around gender, power, sexuality, etc., it is more likely that unmet needs and resentments

will fuel approach strategies in dating.

MSB: As a relationship therapist, have you noticed the problems, questions, concerns people come to you with in regards to their relationships changing over the past decade?

KB: The problems that compel couples into therapy tend to remain the same over time but tend to manifest in various forms. Atop the list of usual complaints, couples report sexual and libidinal differences, infidelity, divergent views about money and childcare, handling the needs of intrusive or aging parents, or various lifestyle preferences (like when one partner is vegan and another loves cheese).

Many are now complaining about one partner’s addiction to their technology (i.e., phone, tablet, etc.) and feeling ignored in plain sight. Reduced to their lowest common denominator, all of these concerns usually boil down to a few core themes: not feeling seen, heard, or valued, inequitable power, poor communication and lost connection. Those themes will likely always be what fuels couples into therapy, because these are some of our most core human needs. Being relational creatures, when our primary relationship is off, it can lead to considerable intrapsychic, social, and existential despair.

MSB: Have you ever explored partnered breathing or tantric sex as a way for couples to reconnect? It seems this could be the key to working through many issues in a technology-centric generation.

KB: I’m so glad you asked! Tantric work and breathwork play a large role in what I do with individuals and couples, in that there is a focused goal of learning to be more interoceptive (i.e., aware of and in communication with internal physiological cues).

When couples can be present with one another in this way, learn to be present and sync their breathing with other pleasurable sensorial aspects of their connection (sexual or otherwise), their ability to stay both co-regulated and reciprocally stimulated sets ablaze a hot and deeply-connected path to sexual and emotional pleasure and fullness. This is an especially rich path to intimacy for couples where one or both partners have endured any element of trauma, as the empathic attunement and connection that can arise often provides a context of safety implicitly felt in the body that words can rarely engender.

To learn more about the work that Dr. Kate Balestrieri does, visit her website: www.modernintimacy.com or follow her on Instagram @themodernintimacy.