How to Support a Sex Addict’s Partner?
According to Director of Intimacy and Sexual Disorders Programs for Elements Behavioral Health, Robert Weiss LCWS:
“Betrayal is the greatest source of pain to any addict’s SPOUSE—particularly s€x addiction. It’s not so much about the addict’s drinking, using, spending, s€xing etc. that causes the most hurt to a loving spouse—it’s the lying, broken promises and loss of trust.”
Imagine finding out that your spouse of 10 years, your best friend, this person you trust to your bones, has been having s€x with other people on a regular basis when it was never part of your relationship agreement, and they can’t stop, even though they really want to…
People who love s€x addicts will go through such a shocking experience. Everything about their spouse will suddenly start to look fake. They will constantly bring up what happened, and that doesn’t mean they’re crazy. They could be experiencing hypervigilance, a natural response to extreme emotional trauma.
“Hypervigilance is about more than just being extra vigilant. It is a state of extreme alertness that undermines quality of life. If you are hypervigilant, you are always on the lookout for hidden dangers, both real and presumed.” It is the body’s way of protecting you from dangerous situations, and it’ll cause you to be extremely aware of your surroundings. It can make you exhausted and impact your ability to show up in your everyday life.
So, how can you support a s€x addict’s spouse? For starters, never tell them they “should have known,” nor treat them like they are “crazy” people. Understand that they are processing their experience in a human, natural way. Listen to and validate their feelings. Allow them time to grieve.
If you come across someone who might be struggling with betrayal or if you are yourself, they or you...
WON’T BENEFIT FROM
🔸 Being “calmed down” out of it
🔸 Being told to look at your part or responsibility
🔸 Talking about your past or family history
🔸 Exploring your sexual or romantic life
🔸 Being labeled or told there’s something wrong with you
🔸 Being judged for deciding to stay
CAN BENEFIT FROM
🔸 Concrete direction regarding self-care, health issues, talking to family, etc.
🔸 To be educated about addiction, disclosure, family dynamics and support
🔸 Your reality and feelings to be held and validated
🔸 Social support from professionals, peers and family (where useful)
🔸 Disclosure and clarity from your loved one
🔸 Hope
