Reclaiming Pleasure and Self-Worth in the Days of Modern Dating
hi, i'm rae dohar. :) i am a holistic sex & food alchemist. i help people show up as the fullest expression of themselves, and i use the sacred alchemies of food and sex to do it.
i have a background in yoga, and i spent eight years living in asia, so a lot of my work finds its roots in tantra, daoist sexual practices, and other eastern philosophies. however, i'm also interested in how these ancient practices evolve with time and interface with our modern world.
my work is divided between working one-to-one with clients (or, less often, couples or polycules) and working with groups. group programs tend to focus on specific aspects of work and healing, whereas one-to-one sessions are crafted in accordance with my clients' specific goals and needs.
it seems clear to me that sex, in every way, is life. it is, of course, an embodiment of that creative life force that can birth forth new humans. but on subtler levels, it's also an expression of everything you allow yourself to be, all the ways you hold yourself back, and a revelation of the extent to which you allow yourself to experience surrender, vulnerability, and intimacy.
my own experience is...very multi-faceted and incredibly rich. "sex" and "orgasm" have come (pun fully intended) easily for me. but in the broader landscape of my relationships, it's been a lot of unlearning and deconditioning. i've had to overcome a past filled with codependency, violence, and tremendous suffering, all underlined by a habit of abandoning myself.
in order to truly reclaim myself, my pleasure, and my worth, i had to learn to undo these harmful patterns and to hold space for and within myself.
my daily practice includes "sex things," like working with a jade egg. but it also includes walking my dogs, making my coffee (or whatever i'm drinking that morning), meditating, praying, intention setting, mindset work, and movement. i truly believe that to be whole sexually means to be wholly myself.
i'm also currently living in and navigating an open relationship, and my primary partner, my beloved, is graysexual. i LOVE most people's reactions to this..."how does it work? you're a sex coach and he's, what? (insert assumptions about graysexuality here.)" but the absolute gift of his sexuality is that he is the canary in the coal mine, so to speak. NOTHING gets past him. even the slightest disconnection in our energy fields, and engaging sexually just doesn't feel alive for him. it's INCREDIBLE, really, and it keeps our energy clean and our communication healthy.
regarding modern dating. i mean, look, i love a lot of the work we're doing in society. i think our collective work around identity politics, intersectionality, and gender and sexual expressions are incredibly important. but i also see, with everything else "tech," our attention spans becoming shorter, our stamina (in all ways!) dissolving and our capacity to be present diminishing. hey, i met my own beloved on tinder, so i'm all for that swipe life!
but the truth is, modern dating does not, in ANY WAY prepare us for the real work that arises in a committed, long-term partnership. i see this mirrored sexually, too. so many people self-pleasure in a way that they'd NEVER want a lover to. it doesn't prepare them at all for partnered sex. of course, there's nothing wrong with not desiring to have partnered sex or a committed relationship, but i find that most people DO want those things. they just don't know how to connect the dots.
finally, ALL of my work is about the sacred alchemies that remind us of the unity of all things: food, sex, and breath. learning to surrender, receive, and be present in one area will influence all the others if you let it. people ask me what they can do to have a better sex life. they expect me to tell them to install a sex swing or go to an orgy. haha, the number one thing i can promise will influence your sex life in a positive way, alone or partnered, is deepening and softening the breath. period.
