Talking About Pregnancy
Perhaps you are ready for a baby, and you and your partner(s) have been planning for it or maybe you found out all of a sudden that you are pregnant. What if you don't even feel ready to talk about it with your partner(s)? It’s beneficial to be prepared for a possible pregnancy (whether through a partner or a surrogate) and advisable to discuss this topic within your relationships so that you can better navigate any situation that arises. In this blog, you’ll find some ideas on how to start the conversation about pregnancy in different types of relationships
During dating
Talking about pregnancy on a second or third date, ice breaker? Maybe. Though it can be scary, this conversation might open the door to communicating about fears, desires and future plans you and your date already have, and give you a clearer sense of your date’s take on becoming intimate. All relationships unfold differently, and discussing whether or not you plan to have kids in the future might or might not be important to you.
If it is and you want to get on the same page promptly, be polite and respectful, since not everyone believes this should be addressed early on. Some ways you can get the conversation started could be:
“Hey, I am really enjoying getting to know you. There’s a question I’d like to ask you about how you see your future, do you think it’s okay if I ask it?” Wait for an answer; if affirmative, continue: “What are your thoughts on having children?”
“For me, it’s very important to be aware of my partner’s expectations when it comes to having kids. May I know what your preference is?”
“Before we become more intimate, I’d love to know where your head is on having kids one day…”
Keep in mind that while some people know they don't want to be parents at any stage of their lives, some others have envisioned themselves as future moms and dads from a young age. Nobody should be shamed because of the type of family they’d like to have.
If you find you don’t agree with your date on whether or not you want to be parents, assess the implications this might have for you and make sure you are honest with them about your thoughts, feelings and decisions. “There are already enough challenges that come up in relationships as it is, so you want to make sure your core fundamental values are aligned so you can go through life on the same team,” says Certified Love Coach and Relationship Expert Jacqui Rubinoff.
While in a Monogamous Partnership
Clarifying doubts, sharing perceptions, beliefs and fears is essential. “It's vital to understand that your rules or expectations in a relationship aren't universal and need to be communicated to your partner. It can help each partner get what they want [or] need from the relationship and can create an incredibly fulfilling, satisfying relationship,” says Love and Life Coach Veronica Grant.
Pregnancy is often planned in marriage or long-term relationships, and most of the time, it is something that has been talked about, but we understand there are so many conversations to have when sharing your life with someone that some topics can go overlooked.
If you’re unsure how to start talking about it, Baby Doppler suggests being open about your desires even while acknowledging those hesitations with something like:
“Okay, I’m really nervous to talk about this, but…”
“I feel weird mentioning this, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.”
Then follow up with exactly how you feel:
“I’ve been thinking a lot lately about babies and I just want to know where you’re at.”
“I’m ready to make a family”
Using what you know about your relationship and your partner can help you better decide how to bring this conversation up. Be thoughtful in your approach. This can be a conversation you both have from a place of curiosity, mindfulness and peace.
It might also happen that you find yourself unexpectedly pregnant. Willow Women's Center advises to “Consider the difference between hearing, ‘I have terrible news,’ and ‘My period is late, so I took a pregnancy test today and found out we are pregnant.’”
They also recommend to “Use words that are natural to you but think ahead of time about how you want to phrase them directly and positively. For example, say, ‘We are pregnant’ rather than ‘I’m pregnant,’ because this did not happen all by yourself.”
According to the Children by Choice Association, ways to start the conversation in this case could be:
“Can we sit down later? there’s something I need to speak to you about.”
“I have something on my mind that I need some support with.”
“I need your help with something and I really need you to listen to what I’m about to say.”
Additional recommendations from Cosmopolitan are to have the conversation in real life, not via text messages or a call, and to experience the initial shock and every worry together. Furthermore, steer clear of asking misleading questions (i.e., “Aren’t you happy I’m pregnant?” v. “How do you feel about the fact I am pregnant”?) or playing the blame game (i.e., “You told me you were on pills!” or “You told me you were using the good condoms!”). You could say to your partner:
“Babe, I missed my period last week, so I took a few pregnancy tests, and they’re all positive. I’m pregnant.” This phrase can help you both navigate the shock together and start the conversation.
“What are your options and fears surrounding having the baby or terminating the pregnancy?”
“Are you ready to be in each other’s lives forever?”
“Are you scared your choice will cause backlash from your family/church/self?”
The Children by Choice Association also suggests that you consider the following before letting your partner know that you are pregnant—timing matters:
“Do you have their complete attention?”
“Are they about to leave for work?”
“Are they preparing meals or caring for children?”
“Is there a quiet space to talk?”
“Do you have privacy?”
“Will you be interrupted?”
“Is it a safe and comfortable space for you?”
“You might find it helpful to practice what you'll say before you let them know, or perhaps even write it down.”
In a Polycule or Non-Monogamous Relationship
Some polyamorous people imagine themselves in a household full of many children and many parents because their concept of community is quite broad, and love to them is not scarce but rather abundant. They/Some think it would be enriching for children to be raised by multiple parents or by parents with multiple partners.
Polyamory and other non-monogamous structures also allow the pregnant individual emotional support from multiple close people, offering relief and peace of mind. “Those in polyamorous relationships benefit from each other but not from the system. Many of our interviewees expressed the view that having more partners garners more support,” say Elizabeth Darling, Erika Arseneau and Samantha Landry who “conducted an interview study with polyamorous families to examine their experiences with pregnancy and birth.”
According to Therapist Nicki, there are 5 key questions to ask during this meaningful conversation:
“Do you want children?”
“What happens if one of us gets pregnant?”
“What happens if one of our Metamours becomes pregnant?”
“How would you feel if I got pregnant by my other partner?”
“Who has a role during and after the pregnancy in polyamory?”
Another recommended resource is the book Polyamory and Pregnancy (Polyamory on Purpose Guides) by Jessica Burde.
During Pregnancy
Navigating pregnancy in itself is entering new territory. The conversations that take place here are somewhat different from those you have when discussing what-ifs because pregnancy can bring new circumstances and stressors to face. The following are communication tips to nurture your relationship during pregnancy according to Pregnancy/Birth/Baby, an Australian Government service that provides “free, non-judgemental emotional support and reassurance” as well as “guidance on children’s growth, behaviour and development”:
“Talk to each other about how you feel about being pregnant and what's to come — the positives and negatives. Try to talk in a way that explains your views rather than blames your partner.”
“Talk about your hopes and dreams for your family and what rituals and traditions are important.”
“Talk about your individual parenting styles. If your styles turn out to be different, you might need to work on solving problems together with negotiation and compromise.”
“Be open and honest about your sexual needs.”
Find more tips in Registered Nurse and Midwife Jane Barry’s article.
If Struggling With Infertility:
Maybe you’ve been trying to get pregnant, and despite all efforts, have had no results. If you are looking for alternatives to form a family, such as adoption, The Gladney Center for Adoption suggests you, as a partnership/couple/polycule, ask yourselves the following questions:
“Are you financially prepared to adopt?” “Are you prepared for the changes a child will bring?”
“How will this affect your family? How will you tell your parents and other relatives? If you have other children, how willyou approach the subject with them?”
“What types of adoption are you interested in pursuing? Infant adoption? Older child or sibling group adoption?”
“How will this affect your careers? If you choose to adopt, will you both be able to work full-time? Will one of you become a stay-at-home parent or will you seek child care?”
(If you’re the one starting the conversation, make sure you explain your reasons for wanting to adopt; your partner(s) might not yet be considering this possibility. The Gladney Center for Adoption encourages that you be patient and open-minded, listen to them and avoid being pushy.)
Even if you are looking to adopt as a single parent, addressing these questions (more in the source) can help you explore whether you are ready to adopt. Answering these will help both partners and individuals solidify their choices.
While Considering an Abortion
What to do if you are pregnant and feel unprepared for it? If you don’t want to have kids, an unexpected pregnancy can be challenging for your relationship. You might be thinking that it isn’t the right moment in your life to become a parent.
While the decision of what happens to the pregnant individual’s body remains their own, they might want to have a conversation with their partner to let them know what’s going on. If this is you, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality Laura Deitsch advises that you first consider whether or not you feel safe in the relationship.
"If so, consider what your partner has said about these things when sharing your decision," "It might be a relief, it might be a hurtful shock. Be considerate and compassionate, but know that, ultimately, the decision [to have an abortion] is up to you." If you’re considering having a conversation with your partner(s) about abortion, many of the templates above might also be helpful for you
There are many ways to phrase your hopes and concerns when it comes to pregnancy or potential pregnancy, but nothing here is one-size-fits-all. People have different ways to approach difficult conversations. Some want to know everything upfront, with all details. Others might prefer a more careful approach to these discussions.
