Therapy as Sex Work? Let’s talk about ‘Sexual Surrogacy’
Some of us are filled with courage and expertise when it comes to sexual interactions, while others may just daydream of the perfect sexual encounter; some have specific goals for their sexual lives or experiences, while others might not know how to go about sex at all.
“Sexual surrogacy is a therapeutic practice designed to help a person become more comfortable with sex, their body, and/or the emotional and physical skills they need for intimacy.”
— WebMD Editorial, What Is Sexual Surrogacy?
As defined by the International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA), sexual surrogacy is a “three-way therapeutic relationship between a licensed therapist, a client, and a partner surrogate”
A partner surrogate is “a professional who uses touch, breathwork, mindfulness, relaxation exercises, and social skill training to help a client meet their specific therapy goals.”
— Certified Partner Surrogate Mark Shattuck
Surrogate Partner Kendra Holliday says that, even though she is not licensed, she works with sex therapists from around the country, and her clients range from men to women and transgender people and mentions these sessions can be done with a romantic or sexual partner as well. The goal? According to IPSA, it is “to build client self-awareness and skills in the areas of physical and emotional intimacy.” People may embark on a sexual self-discovery journey through mindfulness, touch and breathwork.
“While I can’t solve everything that has built up the past 20 or 30 years in three or four sessions, I can certainly provide the client with helpful answers and tools to get them on the right path.”
— Kendra Holliday, She Has Sex With Clients, But She's Not An Escort: Meet A 'Sex Surrogate'
What does it look like?
Kendra Holliday, who is also an activist, sex educator and relationship and sexuality consultant, likes to joke she is a “devirginizer.” “It’s quite refreshing to work with a blank slate and teach them things at age 35 that I wish I could have taught them when they were 18,” she says.
Celeste Hirschman, a trainer in the Somatica® Method of Sex and Relationship Coaching, tells Sex Coaching that an “initial consultation” is performed between the client and their surrogate in order to “get to know one another, begin to build rapport and make sure that surrogate partner therapy is right for [the client]”.
“A ‘good fit’ isn’t determined by things like how attracted you are to the
surrogate, but rather by feeling like you can (or eventually can) trust them.”
— Certified Partner Surrogate Mark Shattuck
Kendra Holliday also explains how “we start by laying a foundation of mental intimacy, then physical intimacy. It’s important not to rush the process and allow time to focus on different areas, including goal-free sex.”
After this first encounter with the licensed therapist and surrogate partner, surrogate partner and licensed therapist meet separately to develop a treatment plan for the client. According to Emelianchik-Key and Stickney from the Florida Atlantic University, treatment “may utilize techniques such as psychoeducation, touch, intimacy, or sexual activities to help the client reach their goals”. It’s important to highlight that, as IPSA states, “genital-genital contact may or may not be therapeutically indicated. When it is indicated, it is often a minor part of the therapy.”
“Our sexual body is connected to every other part of our feelings, it can affect and influence many other parts of your whole existence, so I feel like I’m there to guide them into the places where they are not willing or comfortable going by themselves.”
— Mare Simone, Certified Sex Surrogate, on TLC UK
Finally, treatment starts based on constant communication between all the parties to assure the client’s goals are met. The amount of sessions will be determined by the clients’ progress and this ongoing communication between client, partner surrogate and therapist.
When can surrogate partner therapy be helpful?
According to the International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA), surrogate partner therapy can be helpful when there are sexual concerns such as:
👩⚕️ Orgasmic inhibition
👩⚕️ Genital or pelvic pain
👩⚕️ Avoidance of physical and/or emotional intimacy
👩⚕️ Lack of experience due to anxious avoidance
According to Healthline, guidance through this type of therapy can be helpful for:
👩⚕️ Trauma and abuse survivors
👩⚕️ Folks with little or no sexual experience
👩⚕️ Folks with intimacy issues
👩⚕️ People with phobias and anxieties
👩⚕️ Clearing out confusion about sexual orientation
👩⚕️ A lack of social or sexual self-confidence
The idea and the term itself may be misunderstood—controversy surrounds it “due to its potential ethical and legal complications,” and it may be disputed as sex work. Even though the clients do not go in search of pleasure or pay to be seduced, surrogate partner therapy may be viewed as a form of sex work, and some surrogate partners might indeed consider themselves sex workers. Regardless of the umbrella surrogate partner therapy can fall under, as Neha Pathak MD points out, surrogate partners “aim to help a person overcome troubles they have around sex and intimacy, whether they are physical, social, or emotional.”
For more personal perspectives, watch this CNN interview: A look into the work of a sex surrogate with Cheryl Cohen Greene, or read What is a sex surrogate? And how is a sex surrogate different from a sex therapist?
