Why Sexual Aftercare?

In June 2021, we’re leaving you with some insight on SEXUAL AFTERCARE; what it is, how it can look and how you can incorporate it into your sex life. Whether you are in a long-term, committed relationship or single, aftercare can really be a game changer.

Why Sexual Aftercare?

At My Sex Bio, we believe that sex education and empowerment are vehicles for peace. For most of us, the sex education we’ve received throughout our lives does not equal a healthy relationship with our sexual selves, and because much of the sex education we receive early on is fear-based, it can actually get in the way of developing a healthy relationship with our (very natural, human) sexual side.

Exploring the different definitions of sex is at the very core of fostering this relationship. What narratives have we built around sex and to what extent do they serve us when it comes to having a fulfilling sex life? Do our narratives usually include what happens right after our sexual encounters? Probably not. According to sexologist Chris Donaghue (2020), “our culture uses a performance model for sex: It’s treated as though there is a goal, one right way to achieve it, and anything else is a failure,” which is one of the reasons why most of our narratives around sex are climax-centered.

Dr. Lexx Brown-James contends that “sex doesn’t necessarily have to end at any type of peak or orgasm, or when a penis is no longer hard.”

So, let’s dive into alternatives!

What is Sexual Aftercare?

According to Mary Grace Garis, “aftercare is a concept that originated in the BDSM community, and it generally refers to the things you do to make sure everyone is okay and taken care of after sex play. However, aftercare can be anything that you and your sexual partner(s) need after the encounter. Certified Sex Therapist Kim Atwood says that “aftercare can include, but is not limited to…cuddling, holding, pillow-talk, sensual touch, laughter, taking care of your partners’ physical and/or emotional well-being, discussing things that went well (giving positive reinforcement).”

How long after sex can we still consider it so? As with most things sex, it depends on what you and your partner(s) consider best. Everyone’s needs are different and they can change depending on context. Sometimes aftercare can mean checking in with a partner two days later as much as bringing them a glass of water right after can.

Benefits of Aftercare

Aftercare is an act of courtesy. According to sexologist Shamyra Howard as quoted on Well + Good, “during sex, chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine, and prolactin are released.” The fluctuation of these hormones, along with personal experiences and personalities can cause:

📉 Kink drop: In the BDSM world, it is said sex play can induce a trance-like state that puts the body in a fight-flight response which could end up being contradictory and dangerous, especially for the submissive parties in the dynamic (Dr. Dexter, ChicoMUNCH).

📉 Post-coital dysphoria: “PCD is the experience of negative affect characterized by tearfulness, a sense of melancholy or depression, anxiety, agitation, or aggression following sexual intercourse” (Schweitzer et al., 2015). AKA the sudden sadness you feel after sex.

📉 Trauma-triggered responses: During the sexual encounter, one of the parties involved could reenact past sexual traumatic events and as a result feel distressed with what just happened, even if it was consented to and with a trusted partner.

Ending a sexual experience abruptly can amplify the effects of any of the above responses; in which case, aftercare, according to submissive and writer Lina Dune, can help “soothe [one’s] nervous system, and allow [it] come back to [daily] life in a way that feels authentic” for all parties involved.

The Various Types of Aftercare

Sex is a whole experience. Being at our most vulnerable both mentally and physically can totally leave us in places that no other experience has the potential to. Whether there has been intense play or not, you might find yourself needing to receive and/or give any of the following:

Physical aftercare

Emotional aftercare

🖐 Shower
🖐 Massage
🖐 Physical affection
🖐 Food and drinks

🧠 Talking about the experience
🧠 Checking your partner’s alertness
🧠 Emotional regrounding
🧠 Regular check-ins even some days after the experience
🧠 Positive reinforcement

Aftercare is for everybody and for every relationship type

Aftercare can be an intimate act but, “when it comes to sex, we all deserve to walk out the door afterward feeling emotionally whole and great about ourselves," says sexologist Gigi Engle. Aftercare can be key to achieving that wholeness. Here are some things you or your partner(s) might need:

💞 Introverted partners might prefer to be left alone for a moment right after sex before engaging again. (No need to take it personally, extroverts!)

💞 If you are going solo or are in a long-distance relationship, you can use a weighted blanket after sexual intimacy or cuddle with an object that belongs to your loved one (or has their scent on it).

💞 Talking about it. Post-sexual shame and body issues are just some of many things that your partner might struggle with after your encounter. They might need some positive reinforcement and feedback from you.

💞 Cuddling. Everyone’s take on cuddling is different, however, you don’t need to be in a committed relationship with someone to cuddle with them after sex. One of you might just need some physical contact and the other might be able to provide it.

Communication + Aftercare

There’s a definite way that aftercare can go wrong and that’s when there’s no communication. Even—arguably, especially—when it’s a casual hook-up, you want to make sure boundaries and needs are clear. Tell your sexual partner what you need and what it means to you. Ask them if they can provide this for you and respect their boundaries. They can say no, and you can re-evaluate whether their boundaries are in alignment with yours.

Keep in mind, some partners might also need to reevaluate what your relationship status is after a sexual encounter. This is normal, sometimes even a result of the chemical rush in the body. “Aftersex rituals really should be mindful of the style of relationship that you’re in,” says Certified Intimacy Educator, Shan Boodram. Keep it honest and friendly; they’ll thank you.

If you don’t know how to ask for the aftercare you need or how to get the conversation going, you can try the following templates provided by submissive Lina Dune on DIPSEA:

💬 Do you know what aftercare is?

💬 Aftercare is a requirement for me after sex. Do you think we could take a few minutes afterward to check in and cuddle?

💬 After sex sometimes I can feel ______ if I don't take a minute with my partner to process.

💬 I know the last couple times we haven’t done this, but I’ve realized aftercare is something I need even after a casual hookup.

At Watts The Safe Word, they summed it up perfectly: “aftercare should never be an afterthought, and it should always be communicated.”

Do I need to wash myself after sex?

Sex can be messy, and everyone, regardless of age, type of relationship, or sexual experience, can benefit from practicing some basic hygiene routines after sex. Here are some things you can do to minimize risks after you have sex, according to Medical News Today and Men’s Health Magazine:

If you own a penis...

If you own a vulva...

💧 Get up and pee after sex. Even though you are less likely than vulva owners to develop a UTI, it is still a possibility. Peeing will help remove any remaining bacteria.

💧 Clean any fluids left on the penis. If you have a foreskin, make sure you pull it back when cleaning so dried fluids don’t end up trapped in the foreskin, providing a good chance for bacteria to grow.

💧 If you’d rather wash your penis, use only water and a “mild, unscented soap.” Washing your penis is probably the best option in all situations since the fluids from the vagina, anus, and mouth can cause irritation. Unlike the vagina, the penis isn’t self-cleaning.

💧 “Wear clean underwear that is fully dry (or do not wear any while sleeping).

💧 Get up and pee after sex. Vulva owners have shorter urethras than penis owners, which makes them more likely to develop a UTI. Pee will wash away any remaining bacteria, preventing them from traveling to the bladder.
💧 NEVER douche. The vagina is self-cleaning, and when you attempt to clean it, you can disrupt its natural balance, which already prevents harmful bacteria from growing in there.
💧 If you do feel you need to wash, use only warm water and “mild, unscented soap around the vaginal area.”
💧 Always wipe the vagina FROM FRONT TO BACK “to avoid the transfer of microbes from the anus to the vagina, as this could cause infection.”
💧 “Wear cotton underwear (or do not wear any while sleeping) to reduce moisture around the genitals,” and reduce the risk of infection.

If you happen to use any toys during sex, you can find more information here on how to clean sex toys, genitals, and avoid infections like UTIs and STIs.

Aftercare Kit

Whether you are into intense BDSM play or the most vanilla sex ever, having an aftercare kit is never a bad idea. On the contrary, it allows you to make sure you and your partner(s) are well taken care of. Below are some ideas by psychologist and mistress Kashiko Black, but feel free to add anything that might suit your or your partner’s specific needs. Asking your partner beforehand what they need after sex can help you to be prepared.

✅ Warm socks
✅ Sterilization/wet wipes
✅ Incense/scented candles
✅ Journal
✅ Stuffed animal
✅ Vitamin E/K cream or Arnica gel

✅ Small snack
✅ Water/sports drink bottle
✅ Ice/Heat pack
✅ First Aid supplies
✅ Blanket/bathrobe
✅ Change of warm, comfortable clothes

Carnal Theory:

“Everyone needs to have aftercare after every sexual event.”

– Dr. Lexx Brown-James

This month’s episode with Marriage and Family Therapist Dr. Lexx Brown-James dropped this week! Tune in wherever you listen to your podcasts to learn more about aftercare communication and misconceptions, sex toy play, intimacy, relationships and so much more!

OR

Writing Prompts:

Take what you’ve learned through our social media, Carnal Theory interviews, this newsletter, blog, and more to inform your inner reflection and self-exploration:

📝 How do I usually feel emotionally and physically right after I have sex?
📝 What are new things I would like to do after sex with my partner(s)?
📝 What can I do after sex to make my experience even more enjoyable?
📝 What are five physical needs I can always identify I have after having sex?
📝 What are five emotional needs I can always identify I have after having sex?
📝 Do I want any objects as part of my aftercare routine? If so, which? (e.g. sex toys, blankets, food, heating/cooling pad.)
📝 What do I want my partner(s) to do to me or with me?
📝 Do I require any specific resources to carry it out?
📝 How can I ask my partner(s) to join me on this in a respectful way?
📝 How can I ask them to tell me what their aftercare needs are?

This voluntary monthly prompt invites you to explore your sexual biography.
Tips on exploring this: Set aside 20 minutes with your phone on silent and relax in a comfortable space with a pen and paper. Go slow. Start with what comes to mind from your first read of the prompt. Continue writing from your stream of consciousness.

Mantra of the month

I dare to be present and allow my body to guide me into the world of pleasure.

Listen to our “Aftercare” playlist on Spotify

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