Bringing Sexuality Into The Light and Bringing Light Into Sexuality
Meet Jessica Graham, a spiritual and sexual activist, author, meditation teacher, and sex and intimacy guide. She is the author of Good Sex: Getting Off Without Checking Out, she is also an editor of Deconstructing Yourself. She co-founded The Eastside Mindfulness Collective and in 2017 she founded Wild Awakening, that has as a goal to “help people become more human” by means of meditation and self-inquiry. She is also an award winning actress and filmmaker. She shared with us her inspiring thoughts on the connection between sexual and spiritual aspects of humanity, bringing up deep reflexions on sexual awakening, curious awareness, healing, mindful sex and self-love. She also shared with us her views on sensory play, sex, light and darkness.
My Sex Bio: Can you take some time to introduce yourself and tell me about the work you do?
Jessica Graham: I like to say that I'm a spiritual teacher who loves talking about sex.I also consider myself to be a "self-love advocate.” I'm a meditation teacher, sex, relationship and spiritual guide for couples and individuals, speaker and author of Good Sex: Getting Off Without Checking Out. My work is featured on many apps including; Simple Habit, Wise@Work, Emjoy, Breethe and Sanity and Self. I'm also a contributing editor of the meditation blog, Deconstructing Yourself and co-founder of The Eastside Mindfulness Collective. In 2017 I founded Wild Awakening to help people become more human through psycho-spiritual evolution using meditation and self-inquiry. I am also certified in grief recovery coaching. In addition to this, I'm an award-winning actor and filmmaker. I like to say that I'm polyamorous in my career, and my creative work is my primary partner.
MSB: What inspired you to get involved with that line of work?
JG: I've also been interested in sex and spirituality. Ever since I was a kid. For my 6th birthday party, I wanted everyone to stand in a circle, hold hands, and meditate! I was also known to read, watch, and listen to very mature content as a kid, as well as sneak peeks at The Joy of Sex and Playboys that I found in the closet in my parents rooms. I was just deeply interested in the spiritual and sexual aspects of humanity for as long as I can remember.
I started seriously meditating about 13 years ago and began teaching shortly after. I had a few big paradigm shifts due to spiritual practice and my life changed in dramatic ways. This included a massive transformation in the realm of sexuality. I went from being someone who loved sex, but was fairly checked out during it, unable to see or be seen, often caught in my mind - to someone who could keep my eyes, mind, and heart as wide open as my legs, present in my body, connected to my partners in profound, fun and super hot ways.
Once I saw how good mindful, conscious sex could be, I started writing essays about it. I began working with clients who were seeking a sexual awakening, or just better sex with themselves and others. I also wrote my book, Good Sex, and that really launched my private guidance work, as well as my speaking career. I saw that so many people suffered in the area of sexuality and I wanted to help. I also noticed that all too often (like most of the time) sex is stripped out of spirituality. Hence you see so many spiritual leaders acting in harmful ways with their students. If we don't talk about sex, it becomes a hidden, shameful thing, and dysfunction flourishes. I think doing healing work in the area of sexuality can heal our world in so many ways.
MSB: How has been the reception from followers, readers, and people in your life? Has anything surprised you?
JG: At first I was very surprised by how many people were deeply dissatisfied with their sex life. But soon, I became accustomed to that. I also became accustomed to how much better it can get. The transformations I have seen blow me away and fill my heart with so much hope for all of us.
On Instagram I pair my writings on sex, spirituality, creativity and self-love with my nude modelling pictures. I know there have been people who have been turned off by this. I always get some unfollows when I post an especially saucy picture. At first it surprised me, especially when it was people who I considered friends. But, I get it. Not everyone wants to see my censored nude body on their feed. I decided that I would just be me and then my people could find me more easily. I post these kinds of photos for a number of reasons. To claim my body and my sexuality as mine. To promote free expression. To try to lessen the sexual and body shame that so many experience. Because I enjoy it.
MSB: When you think of "sex and light," what do you think of first?
JG: The first thing I think of is bringing sexuality into the light and bringing light into sexuality. Sex and sexuality is such a place of darkness for so many, and certainly for our culture.
When we wake up in this realm, by shining the light of kind and curious awareness on sex, we transform ourselves, and possibly the world.
I also think of the beautiful films that Four Chambers (@fourchambers) creates, especially the ones featuring Moth and Rust (@mothandrust).
MSB: How could light be used as sensory play? And what are the benefits of sensory play?
JG: When I was a child I liked to find the darkest place possible, such as a closet. It would need to be so dark that I couldn't see my hand in front of my face. No light at all. I would squat down and let myself lose time in the darkness. There was an excitement and pleasure in the darkness. The sight deprivation would increase my other senses and I could feel more sensation in my body. This can be translated into sex. Creating a truly dark space (black out curtains in a fancy hotel, perhaps!) and then exploring self-pleasure or sex with a partner can be electrifying. You will find that your body comes alive in all kinds of ways. There also might be a slight sense of danger, which for some is a huge turn on.
Of course turning all the lights on is also a wonderful option. Fully seeing and being seen during sex is a wild ride, especially if you are a hide-under-the-pillow-while-you-come kind of person. Fill the room with light, natural or otherwise, and open your eyes. If you are used to no light or dim lighting, this is going to bring up all kinds of interesting material. Possibly some strong emotions. Take your time and close your eyes when you feel overwhelmed.
MSB: Any other thoughts on the topic?
JG: Bringing light to sex doesn't mean it has to be vanilla. You can be coming from an incredibly positive and healthy place, and still enjoy being whipped by a belt, fantasizing about non-consensual experiences, or watching porn (consciously curated!).
Your sexuality is yours and the light you shine on it will serve you and your lovers in amazing ways. When we bring light to our sexuality we get to discover what we truly desire.
In doing so we make it possible for those we come in contact with sexually to do the same. As Marianne Williamson so beautifully said, " ...as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Thank you for talking with us Jessica!