Changing the Way We Think About Love
Do you think love is hard to find? How do you define love? What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the word “love”? Where have you learned about love?
Dr. Kirtly Parker Jones from the University of Utah Health explains that the Western tradition, originated in ancient Greek philosophy, distinguishes four types of love:
Eros (passionate love): the one that’s idealized and promoted by this society;
Philia (love of friends and equals): the kind of love that you can relax into, the one that has more positive emotions;
Storge (love of parents for children): the kind of love that “lasts”, the one that stays, even in situations that Philia love couldn't handle.
Agape (love of mankind): the kind of love that knows how to give selflessly, the one that cares unconditionally
Canadian psychologist John Allen Lee combines these four types of love with more modern concepts in his Color Wheel Theory of Love.
His theory emphasizes the idea that all types of love are born from three primary emotions, and that the ideal love was a combination of all three: “love as a game, loving an ideal person and love as friendship.” Adding in other factors, he also describes how certain types of love can be prone to toxicity and harm.
These are just some theories, but what do YOU think of when you think about love? Is it that “cheesy love”or ”soulmate” idea that Hollywood sold you? Let us challenge that normalized thought for a moment.
There are 7.9 billion people in the world. And love comes in many many forms. Love doesn’t always mean having a partner or dating someone, instead, the world is filled with opportunities for love and for different types of connections to be built with others, should you want to do so. While this doesn’t mean that the relationships we build and the love we give and receive aren’t special, it does mean that there’s no need to think of love as a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing.
Most of us are used to the idea of love being scarce—a singular soulmate, a one-and-only—but this is simply one lens for love, a perspective, like a pair of glasses we carry around. Truth is, we can change that lens anytime we desire. We can choose the one that makes us feel most comfortable and helps us create the world we want. Who doesn’t want a world filled with more love anyway?
“I don’t need to have a desperate, starvation model of love that says love is scarce and hard to find and I have to spend my time and effort and energy searching for it. Understanding that love is abundant made me calm down about love; when you think love is all around you, you don’t freak out about trying to find it. People noticed that, too, and opportunities for love and connection grew even more.”
— Franklin Veaux, More Than Two
Expanding our idea of love can be a great way to allow more of it into our lives.
Love can mean friendship, it can mean family, it can mean having a romantic and non-sexual relationship with someone, it can mean having multiple consensual sexual partners at the same time or a polyamorous relationship, and it can also mean loving and caring for yourself! This list is obviously short in comparison with all the possibilities love has for us to try!
Take a moment and analyze, from how many people and in what forms is love showing up in your life right now? Are you acknowledging this love and these people often enough in your life?
Maybe the old-fashioned concept of love doesn't work for you and that’s ok, wouldn’t it be weird if one concept worked for every person in this world?
Let’s fill in the blanks!
LOVE IS (or can be) ___________
Feeling safe around someone
Giving and receiving
Being respectful
Being committed to the rules you set with your partner(s)
Being to able show vulnerability
Having healthy communication
Treating each other as equals
Being patient
Knowing each other boundaries
Accepting them for who they are
Accepting you for who you are
