Ethical Non-Monogamy: An interview with Morgan of Chill Polyamory
Meet Morgan, an ethically non-monogamous queer woman since 2012 and creator of @chillpolyamory. She is a coach and community mentor to both people looking to enter the journey of polyamory and those already traveling through this path. Through her work, she intends to display love in a different way: by providing “well-rounded stories of non-monogamy” to the public, sharing “stories of experience, strength and hope” and offering “a home to those who feel lost.”
MSB: Can you introduce yourself briefly and explain a bit about @chillpolyamory?
ME: I’m Morgan, a queer woman who’s happily non-monogamous since 2012. My project @chillpolyamory, is dedicated to the visibility of non-sensational polyamory of all shapes and sizes. When it comes to our communities, media outlets love to discuss only scandal and sex, but most of us are pretty average in sex drive and lifestyle. We need more well-rounded stories of non-monogamy available to the public.
MSB: What are some common misconceptions people have about polyamory?
ME: That it’s for the non-committal or the immature. Would you tell a person with five children that they haven’t committed to being a parent? On the contrary, ethically polyamorous people commit to the hard work and communication required from many loved ones simultaneously.
MSB: When you hear the phrase “sex and light,” what are your immediate thoughts?
ME: I guess it’d be the spontaneity of a mind free from trauma. Levity within sex is crucial to my personal healing, as someone with a religious upbringing who experiences PTSD in some sexual situations. I need to avoid feeling shame or pressure to perform instead of just laughing and shaking it off with my partner(s).
MSB: How does care for your reproductive health change for those who embrace polyamory?
ME: I don’t experience a big change, personally. In fact, when I was “monogamous” but single, I was much more reckless with partners and much less transparent. Ethical non-monogamy requires so much communication; I’m safer than I’ve ever been in my life. If I need to practice self-care around menstruation, there’s zero stress because my partners can entertain themselves elsewhere. Today, I rarely experience pressure to satisfy people sexually, which paradoxically makes sex much more comfortable to have.
MSB: What kinds of communication take place between partners and how?
ME: Ohhh boy, haha, this is a big one! Well, it depends on the partner and their needs. For my nesting partner (spouse), we say everything — from annoyance around the dishes to deep fear around each others’ partners. My community calls this “radical honesty,” which I define as a commitment to avoid deception, manipulation or omission of relevant truths. Thanks to our mutual commitment, we’re swooning today like we were on the first date. Regular clean-up keeps things fresh.
For other partners, they tell me what kind of communication they want. Sometimes, it’s just a monthly check-in. Sometimes it’s regular texts, especially when they’re feeling insecure. Everything gets negotiated on a case by case basis, which is incredibly freeing because there’s no “should” or “supposed to” in our dynamics. Just “I need” and “do you feel willing to?” Polyamorous partnerships sometimes get called “designer relationships” for this reason. It might feel like more work up front, but then it’s pretty much smooth sailing with minimal drama if you’re doing it right.
MSB: Who is your inspiration/motivation?
ME: I look up to Mischa Lin, one of the leaders of Open Love NY, as well as all my beautiful polyamorous friends, like Noel’le Longhaul and Brody Polinsky. I’m just realizing all three people I named are transgender folks. But that’s not surprising; I’ve never met a trans person who wasn’t a badass with something to teach!
I’m also (of course) inspired by my mentors, who’ve both asked for anonymity, as their employers have “ethics policies” — one forbids extra-marital relationships, consensual or otherwise, and the other forbids LGBTQIA+ identities. It’s still a very real thing in America to worry about your boss discovering who shares your bed, which is crazy to me.
But anyway, it takes a village to heal a person, and I’m grateful for everyone who’s played a part in my growth. That’s why I offer myself to be of service to strangers because you can only keep happiness if you give it away.
MSB: What are your goals with regards to @chillpolyamory?
ME: I aim to de-mystify and de-stigmatize polyamorous relationships. We’re pretty average, dare I say even boring. Non-monogamy is definitely not for everyone, and I’m not here to preach or convert. Instead, I want to offer a home to those who feel lost and share stories of experience, strength and hope.