Getting Empowered About STIs: An Interview with Emily Depasse

Meet Emily Depasse, a sexologist, sex educator and future sex therapist who aims to redefine the STI narrative.

MSB: What is your background? What inspired you to get into this line of work?

ED: I’m a sexologist, sex educator, and future sex therapist. I hold a BA in gender and sexuality studies with minors in psychology and English. I am a third-year graduate student at Widener University’s Center for Human Sexuality Studies on the sex therapy track, which means I’m training to become a sex and relationship therapist. I was a sophomore in college when I first really learned about sex therapists in a sociology class.

Since that class, all of my career investment has been with the title of “sex therapist” in mind. During my undergraduate years, I focused my research on the relationship between body image and orgasm, based mainly upon my curiosity from my experience of an eating disorder in high school. After graduation, I intended to apply immediately to Widener to continue my studies; however, a positive genital herpes diagnosis changed everything. After about six months of losing myself, succumbing to stigma, and working through self-acceptance after my diagnosis, I propelled myself forward to redefine the narratives around STIs, my life’s work and career niche.

MSB: What is the most common misconception people seem to have regarding their own reproductive health?

ED: Invincibility. That we don’t need to attend our annual checkups or have routine STI testing because we think nothing could ever, or would ever, happen to us. Within these attitudes and fears is an underlying assumption of stigma. There is this idea that if we partake in reproductive healthcare practices and receive a positive diagnosis, or learn that our hormones are out of whack, or that we’re struggling with infertility, that something must inherently be “wrong” or “damaged” within us or our bodies. This idea exemplifies the stigma and is the result of lacking sex education.

MSB: How can we work to improve sexual health education around the world? Where do you see it lacking?

ED: While I see sex educators on Instagram filling in some of the gaps on social media, we have yet to start in the classroom. I can only speak to American perspectives, but as an expert of STI stigma, even the most comprehensive classrooms fail to address the information that students actually need to live sexually competent, confident, and pleasure-filled lives. Only teaching about body parts, barrier methods, and possible infections and outcomes of sex leave students with an archaic foundation for building authentic, meaningful connections whether with their sexual partners, in dating, or relationships. We cannot expect one another to communicate candidly about our sexual health, desires, and boundaries with our partners if we have not yet developed the vocabulary within ourselves. Cumulatively, communication is one of the most effective tools missing from sex education classrooms.

MSB: What are your first thoughts when it comes to light and sexuality?

ED: Personally, darkness and light are so meaningful to me. I see so many phases of my life through this lens, especially as it relates to the phases of the moon. When I think of light and sexuality, I think of happiness and truth. I think of someone so in alignment with their identity that others feel their light just by being in their presence, that their truths are palpable, in and outside of the bedroom.

MSB: Light is often seen as related to mental health (seasonal depression, hiding in the dark/shame, etc.). How do you see that extending into sexuality?

ED: I’ve experienced darkness as it relates to my own sexuality and shame from my positive herpes diagnosis four years ago. Instead of going inward toward my light, I sought acceptance outside of myself, through the lens of an “other.” I thought about seeing a therapist but concluded that no one could ever understand the isolation associated with herpes. This is also another reason why I want to specialize in working through shame associated with STIs as a sex therapist. I started numbing my pain through binge-drinking. I continued sleeping with the guy that gave it to me.

Looking back, I see this period of my life as representing darkness with negative energy exchanges stemming from an emotional void I was trying to fill and my unwillingness to confront it. I was just reading an article yesterday about the overlap of mental health diagnoses and sexuality. The effects of mental health on our sexuality are often swept under the rug by therapists who don’t create a safe space for talking about sexual health in the therapy room. Like darkness and light, we cannot have one without the other and need to work to integrate sexual and mental health experiences.

MSB: Do you have any expertise or knowledge in the area of sensory play?

ED: I have a basic understanding of sensory play but am by no means an expert in this area. I can certainly see how it fits into the narratives around darkness and light, seen versus unseen.

MSB: What do YOU do to practice sexual self-care?

ED: I am a deeply emotional being, and my emotions certainly make themselves known in my sexual self-care. I’m learning to sit with myself in the darker moments without judgment. I’m currently going through a break-up and mourning the loss of that relationship and person. This sadness, in conjunction with stress in work and school, affects my drive and desire. If you read Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are, you’ll know our bodies all respond to stress differently. I’m learning to sit with this space and create light within the darkness. There’s an overlap there, as we discussed. Outside of the intersection with my emotions, my sexual self-care is rather boring. STI tests, my annual gynecological exam, and taking my birth control pill at the right time each night. Sexual self-care doesn’t always have to be thrilling or exhilarating so much as it needs to meet you where you are.

MSB: How does reproductive health play into sexual self-care?

ED: If we don’t maintain regular reproductive healthcare checks, our sexual self-care may suffer too. As stated previously, sexual self-care isn’t always profound or pleasure consuming. Sometimes sexual self-care is uncomfortable, sometimes it’s boring, and it might not be something we particularly associate with pleasure at all. But it is these practices and routines that do contribute to our experiences of pleasure with our partners, but more importantly with ourselves.

MSB: What are the benefits of sexual self-care?

ED: I think the number one benefit of sexual self-care is knowing yourself and meeting yourself where you are, which isn’t always an easy feat. Sexual self-care isn’t always engaging in sexual behaviors or finding pleasure through an orgasm. Of course, these can be avenues to self-care, but sexuality is so much more than physical touch or even physical health. For me, sexual self-care is cultivating self-intimacy through self-awareness. It’s something that nourishes you through periods of darkness and light.