Friday Five: Sexual Performance Anxiety: Why?
Societal expectations and norms can often add extra pressure to everyday activities. It’s not unusual to feel stress relating to body image, perfectionism, social media aesthetics, etc. To no one's surprise, sex doesn’t escape that list.
Cultural narratives tell us there’s a fixed path of how things ‘should be’ during sex, including how every participant must perform and how long it should last. If you’ve ever sensed that pressure and felt anxious regarding a sexual encounter, let us reassure you that’s normal. This feeling is called Sexual Performance Anxiety (SPA).
“SPA is a type of performance anxiety that affects sexual activity in particular. A person who has this condition will often be overcome by a fear that they’ll be unable to perform either before sexual activities or during them.”
— Verywell Mind
Here are 5 tips that can help you overcome sexual performance anxiety ❤️🔥
1. Masturbate
Take some time for yourself, don’t rush and enjoy learning your own physical needs. Knowing what you like and what you don’t like is always useful, as is knowing your boundaries. All of this helps one to be more confident in expressing themself when the time to come comes. 😉
2. Welcome the Fact That Sex Isn’t Always Perfect
Life’s not like the movies. Sex isn’t perfect, including timing, performance or any other aspect. And that’s normal and great!
Perhaps you and/or your partner have idealistic expectations, leading you to imagine a flawless scenario that's hard to achieve in reality. No worries! No sexual encounter is a perfect performance, awkwardness is normal, and needing time is common.
Laughter, taking breaks, needing to pause and adjust when a position doesn’t go as planned - all of these are examples of the fun of sex. The only MUST at every sexual encounter is consent and communication.
3. Slow down and Take Your Time
Make sure to take your time and go at a pace that works for you. It’s completely ok to ask your partner what they like and how they like it; you don’t need to magically know. Active listening is key, and way better than assuming what your partner/s like (or not). We assure you that your partner/s will be happy to express their preferences to you.
“Tell me, what do you like?”
“Can I keep going?”
“Is it ok if I…(something you want to do)?
4. Try to Get out of Your Head
While worries are normal, try not to get stuck on what could go wrong. Focus on the moment you are having, on the feelings in your body, and on your partner’s expressions. If your lover is considerate (and we hope they are!) there’s a good chance they’re also worried about doing things ‘right’. And as surely as you don’t want them to stress, they don’t want you to be worried either.
5. Speak to a Therapist
Consulting a sex therapist can help you understand what’s causing any performance anxiety. Asking for guidance when it comes to anxiety and mental health is normal and recommended, and discovering the root of an anxiety is a great way to start overcoming it.
Just as you’d go to the dentist with an aching tooth, there’s no shame in seeking out a sex therapist for your sex life.
