Healing Sexual Shame through Curiousity
On My Sex Bio, we had the pleasure to talk with Ev’Yan Whitney, who works as a practicing sexuality doula®, author, facilitator, and sensualist. Ev’Yan supports women and nonbinary humans to reclaim our sexual energy, reconnect to our sensual bodies and enjoy the sexual pleasure that is our birthright.
Thank you Ev’Yan for taking the time, let’s dive in.
My Sex Bio: As a sexuality doula, your work inspires others to find sexual liberation. How would you describe how it feels to be sexually free?
Ev’Yan: Being sexually free feels like being untethered from any cultural scripts that have taught us to be ashamed of our sexuality. It feels like the freedom of being able to choose who and how you want to be and who and how you want to explore every aspect of your sexual self, from your relationship to your body to the needs, desires, and curiosities you have about yourself. You'll know you're in the vicinity of sexual liberation when you feel a sense of peace with your sexuality; like, you're no longer trying to be something you're not or operating from a place of pressure or obligation. You'll feel like your sexuality belongs to you.
MSB: What sex advice and wisdom would you offer your younger self?
Ev’Yan:I would tell her that there's nothing wrong with you. That everything you've been taught about sex has led you to believe that it's bad or wrong and that it's not meant to be enjoyable; that you're meant to be of sexual service to the people around you—both in remaining pure and also in being the inspiration for the erotic desires of men. But none of this is true and there is so much more available to you within your sexual experiences, so much more to discover from a place of joy and curiosity and agency. I would tell her to prioritize the relationship she has with herself sexually and to not put so much emphasis on the sexual relationships she has with others. I would ask her to ask herself:
What do you want?
How do you want to feel?
What do you need to feel safe?
What feels alive?
And I would encourage her to ask those questions of herself daily, and not just within a sexual context but in all aspects of life. I would tell her that her pleasure is important and to never stop trying to satiate it.
MES: What tools, practices, resources did you connect to when beginning your sexual healing journey?
Ev’Yan: I read a lot of books and to be honest, not a lot of them were helpful. A lot of the books that I found about sexuality back then were either medical or cheesy to the point of feeling like a caricature of sex. I also didn't really see myself or feel like what I was going through at the time (a lot of shame and guilt and PTSD from sexual trauma) spoke to what I was experiencing. So I felt really isolated and frustrated by how little help I found. But I did find a couple of books that spoke to me back then: For Yourself by Lonnie Barbach, Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston, The Ethical Slut by Dossie + Easton, Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Yes Means Yes by Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti, and The Diaries of Anaïs Nin helped me find my sexual voice and gave me new stories to internalize about my sexual self that were powerful, encouraging, and healing. I'll also add that the website Scarleteen was pivotal in helping me through some really really dark and lonely times when I was exploring my sexuality as a young teen.
MSB: It's a reality that most of us woman and nonbinary folx have experienced a sexually traumatic event in our lives. How can we begin to reclaim our sensual selves and sexual desires after sexually traumatic experiences?
Ev’Yan: Whenever a question like this gets asked, I always want to encourage folks to get into therapy regarding the sexual trauma they've experienced. It is so so helpful to have a professional guiding you as you navigate the murky waters of trauma resolution. One of the mistakes I made in my sexual healing journey was seeing my trauma as not "traumatic" enough. Like, I thought because I wasn't "raped" in the standard definition of that word that I hadn't been sexually traumatized—not knowing at the time that there are many different forms that sexual violation can take (from coercion to the influx of shame and fear that religion gave us about sex during our formative years). I wish that I had taken my sexual trauma seriously and not dismissed it initially as me being overly dramatic because it is very clear to me now that I had some serious PTSD from my last sexual relationship. I spent so many years gaslighting myself about what was going on with me.
And from there, I'd like to add that it's so important that we believe ourselves, that we affirm the trauma we've experienced without trying to dismiss it or shrink it or talk ourselves out of it. Sometimes I'll be working with clients who say to me, "I was never raped and I never had a negative experience sexually, but I still feel like I have some sexual trauma in my body." And a lot of them will try to talk themselves out of it, as I did, when really what's needed is space for them to affirm how they feel. It doesn't matter how it happened or where it came from as much as saying, "I feel that there are hindrances getting in the way of me being my sexual self and I want to honor the ways I need healing." What's interesting is that once they gave themselves space to say that, to sort of affirm their trauma, memories surface of conversations or experiences that they've had that didn't encourage sexual freedom or choice and suddenly, the picture of what that trauma is and where it came from becomes clearer. The pieces fall into place the moment we saying, "Even if I don't remember everything, even if all I have is this visceral feeling in my body of sexual shame, I believe you."
When it comes to sexual shame, I like to ask folks to get curious about their shame.
We've been taught to keep our shame hidden, to not look at it too deeply or affirm its existence, and that tracks with shame's motive: shame wants to isolate us, it wants to keep us feeling othered or wrong.
I know that it feels counterintuitive to get curious about shame, but that curiosity is important to help us heal the shame. We can't heal what we don't see; we can't heal what we don't understand. So ask yourself
When it comes to my sexuality, what exactly am I ashamed of?
Where do I feel this shame in my body?
Who taught me these stories of shame?
Shame often has many layers and stories attached to it and it can be helpful (albeit scary) to slowly pull back those layers to get clarity about where you are and where you want to go in your healing journey.
MSB: You’ve shared in essays and on your podcast about your experiences with “coming out” and openly exploring your queer identity. Any advice for someone who might also be coming out later in life and exploring sex with a gender for the first time? Ex: A previously heteronormative femme-appearing human realizing they are nonbinary/lesbian having sex with woman.
Ev’Yan:
Try not to be intimidated or judgmental of yourself about coming out later in life.
I know that it can feel daunting but even seasoned queers are still learning how to navigate the complexities of relationships and changing identities.I was really hung up on how little experience I had and to some degree, that mattered. But for most of it, I realized that all of us are fumbling through the wild and nuanced experience of being queer and that there are no "experts" so to speak. But we can be experts of our own queer experiences and can do that by continuing to explore ourselves, by taking care of ourselves and the folks we're in queer community with, and not taking ourselves too seriously.
I would also encourage connecting to your local queer community—so, going to queer events and meetups and immersing yourself in the culture as much as possible.
Because you belong there. This is your community too
and you deserve to take up space in it.
MSB: How do you think our identity affects to the way we show up in our sexual experiences?
Ev’Yan: Our identity plays a huge role into who we show up as when we're in our sexual experiences, and that's once of the reasons I'm so adamant that we're continuing to know ourselves and grow within our various identities. And to also not feel the need to concretize those identities. Like, it's okay for you to move and flow within your identities.
We're not fixed beings. We're constantly evolving and changing.
So if you resonate with being asexual today but next week you're questioning that, that's okay. That's part of the process of sexual liberation. Sexual liberation is not a destination as most of us would like it to be. It's a journey, and one we'll be on for the rest of our lives. So make space for all the iterations of your sexual self that you'll uncover in your lifetime, and try to find the joy of being a work in progress.
MSB: We are big on self reflection and journaling here at My Sex Bio and love sharing journal prompts. Do you have any favorite prompts for checking in with sexual wellness?
Ev’Yan: Some of my favorites:
What parts of my sexual self/sexuality need more freedom, ease, curiosity, and/or expression?
What do I need in order to feel more safe to explore my sexuality, either with myself or others? What might I need to ask for in order for that safety to be experienced?
What does an enthusiastic yes feel like in my body? What does a definitive no feel like in my body?
What acts of self-care could help nourish my sexuality and/or put my sexual self as a priority?
In what ways do I need to better prioritize my pleasure—both inside of the bedroom and outside of it?
What stories of shame/inhibition about sex are still live in my body? Where are they located in my body? Next, find a way to move that area of your body to shake loose the story and clear that space for stories of freedom/ease.
MSB: What are some practices we can do when we’re feeling not so sexy or experiencing low libido?
Ev’Yan: Anything that you can do to connect to your body—dancing, walking, moving, self-massage, or any other acts of self-intimacy—can be really helpful to not necessarily bring your libido or sexy back (because sometimes it's just not present, and we need to honor that) but more so to connect with yourself, to connect with your sensual body. Do things that make your body feel good. Feed your senses with things that will delight and excite them.
Sex isn't the only space in our lives that we get to feel confident and embodied. We can experience that at anytime, we just have to carve out those moments for ourselves.
MSB: Favorite sensual mantra?
Ev’Yan:
"I am a sensual being."
Thank you for talking with us, Ev’Yan!
