What Do You Even Mean By That?—Oh, The Difficult Conversations.
Have you ever been in a conversation with your partner(s) and wondered… “What do you even mean by that?”
Maybe the chat with your partner(s) or loved one(s) escalates into a disagreement. The truth is, trying to communicate with someone while under stress can sometimes feel like speaking two different languages.
We’ve all been there at some point so, on My Sex Bio, we want to help you with these difficult conversations you may have with your partner(s).
Ideally, we never argue or disagree, but some subjects NEED to be talked about, even if it isn’t easy to do. Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne proposes 5 conflict resolution strategies to help get past what could look like irreconcilable differences:
Pretending this conversation can be avoided is NOT the solution.
Waiting for things to cool off is ok. It allows time for one or more parties to change their mind(s) or understand the other point of view. But avoiding it is completely different. When you push down feelings for too long, they tend to come out stronger at some point, which can look like anger or resentment against your loved one(s). When we have tough talks in moods of tiredness or rage, we may find ourselves in more heated arguments. Try to be aware of timing so that communication can be more rational and empathetic.
2. Consider eliminating “but” from your dictionary.
Try to communicate without using “but” to add a negative ending comment. People may get triggered by it or anxious about it. When the “but” doesn’t come, your partner will find it comforting. Instead of creating unnecessary stress or negative feelings, consider rephrasing your usual comments and finding a way to end them positively.
3. Lead the way nicely to the conversation you want to have.
This point is key to avoiding arguments. Suppose you start the conversation without controlling your manner or knowing what you’d like to say. In that case, it’s more likely that your partner won’t have the chance to prepare mentally or emotionally. Aside from finding the right words, you may want to be clear in what you want to talk about… “hey, I was wondering if we could talk about what happened the other night at your parents’ house” or maybe “Remember what we talked about, do you agree with it? How does that make you feel?” It’s essential to let the other person know that you care about how they feel and what they think.
4. Have in mind the goals you share as partners.
Even though you may have a lot of differences at that moment, try to concentrate on what you have in common with the other person, even if it’s just a little detail or something you think is obvious, like…“we want each other to be happy.” Leading the conversation with what unites you in mind will help you get through the disagreements.
5. Stay hopeful
Having a difficult conversation with your partner doesn’t mean that the relationship is ending. Think of it as you building stronger communication and being sincere with each other. Even in the worst-case scenario where the conversation ends with a breakup, the important thing is that those involved keep the common goals in mind.
Licensed Couples and Family Therapist Linda Carroll had a few more pieces of advice that we found useful:
Manage yourself first.
Before starting any difficult conversation, know this might be painful for your partner(s). Instead of trying to justify your point of view, speak from a place of empathy towards your partner(s).
Stay present during the conversation.
You have to let them know that you’re paying attention to what they say. It’s what you’d expect from them, so give the same consideration. BE PRESENT AND RESPONSIVE. Show them clearly that their feelings are important to you.
Know when to ask for help.
If something is bothering you in your relationship, let your partner(s) know. You don’t have to go through it alone, so don’t shut down to their help.
And one last point to this subject that we think is FUNDAMENTAL:
Know what you want
Before starting any kind of conversation, ask yourself how you’re feeling and what you truly want. Don’t ask for clarity from others if you don’t have it yourself. Setting up your own goals or boundaries will help you have a better relationship with yourself and understand your needs before demanding things from your partner(s).
And even if you’re unsure about what you want and need, that doesn’t mean you are not ready for a conversation. Maybe you feel you need your partner(s)’ help with figuring it out—that’s alright. Let them know the place you’re coming from and how they can help you.
STOP evading that conversation.
Find a moment and manner to say it in which
your partner is ready to hear it too.
