Communicating About Asexuality in New or Existing Relationships

Navigating any relationship requires communication, but when asexuality is involved, the importance of clear, open dialogue becomes even more essential. Whether you’re asexual and entering a new relationship or currently in a long-term partnership, talking about boundaries, needs, and expectations is key to building a strong, healthy connection. In this blog, we’ll explore how to approach these conversations with care and understanding

Understanding the Importance of Clear Communication

When it comes to asexuality, assumptions can be harmful. Many people aren’t familiar with asexuality and may misunderstand what it means for a relationship. That’s why communicating openly and honestly about what asexuality means to you (or your partner) is the first step in fostering understanding. Be clear about your boundaries and needs from the beginning.

If you’re asexual, it’s essential to explain that while you might not experience sexual attraction, you can still have a deep desire for emotional closeness, companionship, and love. For non-asexual partners, this clarity helps avoid confusion and sets the stage for a respectful, mutually satisfying relationship.

Actionable Step:  

Start with a direct conversation about what asexuality means in the context of your relationship. If you're unsure how to start, try phrasing it as, "I want to talk about what intimacy and connection look like for me." Lay the groundwork for ongoing communication by making it clear that it's a conversation to revisit as your relationship evolves.

Approaching Conversations in New Relationships

In new relationships, it’s important to set expectations early. Talking about asexuality can feel intimidating, especially if you're unsure how the other person will respond. But bringing it up sooner rather than later allows both partners to make informed decisions about what they want from the relationship.

A good way to approach this is to frame asexuality as part of who you are and how you navigate relationships. While discussing it, emphasize your openness to emotional intimacy, companionship, and any non-sexual forms of connection that matter to you.

Actionable Step:

When entering a new relationship, try saying something like, "Before we go any further, I'd love to talk about how I approach intimacy and connection. For me, a big part of that is emotional closeness and sharing time together, but I don’t experience sexual attraction in the same way others might."

Revisiting Conversations in Long-Term Relationships

In long-term relationships, conversations about intimacy, boundaries, and expectations should be ongoing. While you may have set clear boundaries early on, both partners’ needs may shift over time, and it’s important to revisit those boundaries regularly.
If you’re in a long-term relationship with a non-asexual partner, it’s especially helpful to check in periodically to ensure both of you feel understood and emotionally satisfied. The goal is to create a safe space where both partners can express how the relationship is meeting (or not meeting) their needs.

Actionable Step:

Consider setting up monthly or quarterly "relationship check-ins" where you both discuss how you’re feeling about the relationship. Use these conversations to clarify any evolving needs and to express gratitude for the ways you support each other.

Setting and Communicating Boundaries

Clear, respectful boundaries are vital in any relationship, but they’re especially important in relationships involving asexuality. For an asexual partner, boundaries around physical touch or sexual activities might be more firm, while for the non-asexual partner, there may be an ongoing need to communicate about sexual desires.

Openly communicating these boundaries helps both partners understand where they stand and reduces the chance of miscommunication or hurt feelings. Asexual individuals should feel empowered to express what they’re comfortable with, while non-asexual partners should feel respected when they communicate their own needs.

Actionable Step:

Talk about your boundaries before you reach a point of frustration. It might help to use "I" statements, such as, "I feel most comfortable with non-sexual physical affection like cuddling or holding hands" or "I enjoy being close but don't feel the need for sex in our relationship.

Navigating Reactions and Misunderstandings

Even with the best communication, misunderstandings can still arise—especially if your partner has never encountered asexuality before. They may assume that a lack of sexual attraction means you aren’t interested in them romantically or emotionally. It’s important to be patient and provide reassurance, explaining that your feelings for them are real and meaningful, even if they don’t include sexual attraction.

Non-asexual partners might also feel hurt, confused, or rejected when faced with a partner’s asexuality. This is a natural reaction, but addressing these feelings early on can prevent them from festering. Both partners need to feel safe expressing their emotions, and reassuring your partner that asexuality isn’t about a lack of desire for them personally can help bridge the gap.

Actionable Step:

If misunderstandings arise, focus on reassurance. Try saying something like, "I understand this is different from what you’ve experienced before, but my emotional connection with you is very real, and it’s important to me."

Communicating about asexuality in relationships—whether new or long-term—is a process that requires patience, empathy, and clarity. By having ongoing conversations, setting boundaries, and addressing misunderstandings with love and respect, you can build a strong, meaningful relationship that honors both partners’ needs.
Remember, every relationship is unique. Take your time, communicate openly, and continue to grow together as you navigate what intimacy, connection, and love mean for you both.