Friday Five: Sexual Intelligence
What’s sexual intelligence?
“It’s not about how many people you’ve slept with, it’s not about the size of your body parts, or technique, it’s more about an overall wellness plan.”
– Emily Morse, Doctor of Human Sexuality and Author of Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ & Own Your Pleasure
Keep reading for 5 pillars to develop your sexual intelligence and ability to experience pleasure.
Self-acceptance
“I embrace my body and love myself unconditionally.”
It may be a lifelong journey to learn to love every part of ourselves, and that’s okay! Acceptance of our body and sexual experiences helps to put our minds at ease within intimacy.
You might not have an extensive sexual background, but there’s absolutely no need to be ashamed of your personal journey and timeline. In fact, according to the National Institute of Aging, many older people say they find greater sexual satisfaction in their later years than when they were younger. With age likely comes more confidence, openness and the ability to express and share your needs.
You can begin now. Everything that you feel and desire is worthy of attention.
2. Worthiness
“I believe that I am fundamentally deserving of pleasure, intimacy and love.”
Do you agree with this? Our past traumas, toxic relationships, abuse, or simply the messaging we’ve received since childhood can hinder our confidence when it comes to knowing our worth and what we deserve. But think about it: would you have such a sensual body if it wasn’t made for pleasure?
3. Communicating
“What I feel and need matters enough to express it. If I express it to you, you matter to me.”
Talking about your sex life should be as easy as discussing your favorite foods and how you like them served. Easier said than done, but we need to remember giving feedback to others is a way to keep them in our lives.
Sex talks with partners often elicit fear and embarrassment or an idea that there is a problem or someone isn't doing something right. But sharing your desires, turn-ons and preferences is like giving someone a map to help explore your erotic landscape. Here are some questions to ask your partner, adapted from SexwithEmily.com:
What part of your body do you love the most?
When do you feel the most sexy?
What do you value most in a sexual partnership?
What are your top turn-ons?
When do you feel most sexually confident?
4. Balanced Wellness
“I am my best caretaker.”
Honoring your body and acknowledging that it needs consistent maintenance keeps you in tune with yourself. Grooming yourself reminds you of your body’s capacity to receive pleasure, and it helps you cultivate its sensitivity. Take hot showers, style yourself, apply creams with relaxing scents, wear underwear that feels flattering, enjoy your flesh and nurture your body, if possible, as a practice.
Reminder: there is no one right or wrong way that your parts should be. Keep an ongoing relationship with your intimate self-care so you will notice if something is abnormal.
5. Know Thy Temple
“I am responsible for my own pleasure.”
Self-pleasuring and self-exploring are some of the best practices to understand your body and its ways. Those, along with the previous 4 practices in this email, will help you take command of your sexual story. You play a part in your sex life and in whether or not your needs are being met. Give your needs the importance they have, speak out, and trust that you have what it takes to build the sex life you dream of.
Fun idea: next time, use a mirror while touching yourself to really get to know your body and its pleasure points. Click below for a detailed guide to explore and document findings⬇️
