“I Have No Sex Drive and My Husband is Mad”: Advice with an Erotic Blueprint Coach™
“Not only is the idea that [males] have higher sex drives an oversimplified notion, but it’s really just not true.”
— Marriage and Family Therapist Sarah Hunter Murray, Ph.D.
There are many reasons why you could be experiencing low libido, but let’s start off by making something clear: your partner is not entitled to be mad at you or to make you feel unsafe because your level of sex drive isn’t matching theirs. Dr. Kate Balestrieri kindly reminds us that “Nobody’s broken, bad or wrong if they want more or less sex than you do.”
If this situation is making you feel unsafe, please do not hesitate to reach out for help. Go here for contact information. If this is, on the other hand, a challenge you are trying to navigate within a safe but possibly challenging relationship, this blog is for you.
Quick reminders about sex drive:
“It ebbs and flows”
It’s normal for relationships to go through periods of ‘low’ sex drive
It’s experienced differently by every human
It depends on many other aspects of your overall health
How you feel about your partner(s) can impact your libido
It’s completely understandable to feel frustrated when there is a desire discrepancy or it feels like you and your partner are incompatible, but this doesn’t need to be a deal breaker for your relationship. While different couples have different priorities in their relationships, feeling like you are sexually incompatible is a valid reason to consider ending a relationship.
“For some couples, [sex] is not the most important element of their relationship, so a desire discrepancy might not signal as much of a fear response or curiosity even. For some couples, sex is one of their biggest priorities—it’s one of their most weighted needs and, if there’s a huge discrepancy there and they can’t find a way to work through that, then it could be a deal breaker.”
— Dr. Kate Balestrieri
Here are, however, a few things to consider before making such a choice that might help you make a more informed decision and explore your entire range of possibilities with this person.
Do They Complain You Never Initiate?
If you find them complaining that you never initiate sex, you might have different types of desire.
People who experience spontaneous desire experience desire ‘out of the blue’ or for apparently no reason at all. Responsive desire on the other hand works quite differently.
When you are more prone to experiencing responsive desire, your sex drive comes as a result of stimuli; in other words, you need to get in the mood and be seduced by a situation or a partner to feel a craving for sex.
“Widely accepted statistics about desire say 75 percent of men and 15 percent of women report that they feel primarily spontaneous desire, whereas 30 percent of women and 5 percent of men report that they feel primarily responsive desire.”
— Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. as quoted by Vanessa Martin
The Takeaway
Reflect on this idea and see where in this classification would you fit yourself. Then reflect on where you think your partner fits. Is it the same type of desire? Is it different?
Note that both partners having spontaneous desire would probably be an enjoyable match, while both experiencing responsive desire might bring about some challenges (maybe your partner wants to feel aroused and is waiting on you to make the first move, and you are waiting on them).
Take as much time as you need to choose where you both fit, and when you feel ready, bring these concepts up with them. Be ready to start asking for what you need if your partner experiences spontaneous desire and you are more on the responsive side.
Don't know how to say it? We've got you covered!
Honey, I really love having sex with you, but I'm realizing that to fully get in the mood, I need you to be the one starting things. I can expand on this.Hey, remember how you always say I never initiate sex? I think I know why and it doesn't really mean or imply that I do not want you.Open their chat, copy the link to this blog, send it to them and say: "I think I am responsive, you?" Add emojis for smoothness ;-)
Get the conversation started! If you suspect you both experience responsive desire or one of you experiences spontaneous desire but the other experiences responsive desire and someone in the relationship isn't satisfied with the dynamic AND talking through it doesn't feel like enough, consider seeking professional help if this is something you wish to work through.
The Sex Languages
Another possible reason why you might be feeling like you don’t get along in bed might have to do with the sex languages you speak; in other words, the Erotic Blueprint Type each of you falls into.
Similarly to how some seem to be always ready for sex while others need to warm up to it, each of us has a specific pathway to turn on. Take for instance activities like spanking; while some people might find this practice very arousing, others might see it as non-sexual play or simply as something they would never allow.
“[The Blueprints are] a framework for understanding how we are each wired differently. You can also think of the Erotic Blueprints as different flavors of sexuality.”
— Erotic Blueprint Coach™ Elle McPherson
When partners are trying to communicate sexually and throw ‘hints’ at each other, if the sex languages are different, the ‘hints’ might not even be taken as hints. Understanding your sex language and your partner’s can help you bridge this gap.
Energetic
Folks who fall into this Blueprint tend to have more ‘spiritual’ or ritualistic views of sex and need to feel safe and connected to a partner before sex can even happen. Sex to them might not be so much about the physical release but about the connection between people or a connection with greater powers. Appealing practices for energetic folks might include:
Tantric sex
Eye-gazing exercises
Having non-sexual intimacy more often
Sexual
Explicit, blunt references to sex are all it takes to get a sexual’s engine going. They do not primarily seek anticipation or connection but the physical release of sex. Appealing practices for sexual folks might include:
Watching porn together
Walking around the house naked or in some sexy lingerie
Do some sexy dance right after their work Zoom call
Sensual
Sensuals are big on the senses; to get them going you need to really focus on what tickles their sight, smell, hearing, touch and taste. Appealing practices for sensual folks might include:
Use blindfolds
Bring some food into the bedroom (avoid putting it on the genitals, but if you were going to do it anyways, make sure to do a good cleanup afterwards)
Play with lights and mirrors: low lights, no lights, red lights, etc.
Kinky
Taboos are the charm for the kinky ones: flogging, spanking, and being called names are some examples of what kinky people might be into. Appealing practices for kinky folks might include:
Talk about fantasies
Watch porn that portraits those fantasies
Find out what feels taboo for you: public places? Dressing up? Flogging? Name-calling?
Shapeshifter
The shapeshifter is someone for whom all Blueprints apply, they are your typical sex machines; almost always ready for sex in almost any form. Appealing practices? Potentially all of the above!
While you may enjoy receiving sexual attention in a certain way that fits into one of these Blueprints, your partner might have a totally different preference. Use these as a way to explore new ways of giving and receiving sexual attention and care. Erotic Blueprint Coach™ Elle McPherson works with couples on a regular basis:
“The most common reaction is, It makes so much sense! The Blueprints offer a permission slip to be yourself and a language to communicate with others. They illuminate and dissolve any shame or sense of being broken/wrong/too much. It fosters empathy and forgiveness we may hold against partners who didn’t meet our needs with the realization that partners were coming from a different language.”
— Erotic Blueprint Coach™ Elle McPherson
If you want to dive deeper into the Erotic Blueprints, book your seat for for our next session with Elle McPherson. She is an Associate Certified Coach (ACC) with the International Coach Federation and a Certified Erotic Blueprint Coach™, as well as a Certified Accelerated Evolution™ coach and RYT-200 Kripalu-trained yoga teacher who focuses on empowering men and women to own their authentic sexuality.
There is one more reminder to make before we let you go play with all these fun concepts: it is OKAY for your relationship to experience periods of high or low sex drive; make sure both you and your partner are factoring in job changes, kids, family responsibilities, financial distress, emotional and mental health, other health issues and really all of who you are and all of what’s happening in your life right now. Sex and sex drive are such a vulnerable part of our lives that they can be affected by almost anything else going on.
Be compassionate with yourselves and keep your eyes fixed on solutions.
Don’t play the blame game, be a team.
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