Online Dating, Intimacy and Privacy
Meet Avril Louise Clarke, sexologist and international organizer for Sex Academy International who coordinates events and educational opportunities across the globe.
My Sex Bio: So, not only are you a sexologist, but you're also an international organizer. How do these two concepts come together with the work you do for Sex Academy International?
Avril Louise Clarke: I am a clinical sexologist by trade, meaning I am able to work as an educator, researcher or therapist in the field of sexology. I am also an international organizer for Sex Academy, meaning that I put together teams of sex educators in the U.S. and create opportunities for them to give sex ed workshops at different venues and sponsors. As a sexologist, I feel like we are stronger together. So, Sex Academy allows us to work as a team instead of having to create workshops, find venues, set dates and get attendees. All of the Sex Academy educators each have our different interests and specialties, so this allows us to shine together.
MSB: Can you clarify, for our readers, how clinical sexology differs from, say, sex therapy or being a sex educator?
ALC: A clinical sexologist allows me the opportunity to give therapy and educate through workshops. Therefore, it allows me to wear many hats!
MSB: How did you find yourself in this line of work? Both as a sexologist and how you came to Sex Academy International.
ALC: My interest in sex education began in Miami, where at the age of fifteen, I formed an HIV/AIDS Awareness group that provided STI testing and organized lectures of various inspiring sexual health professionals for my fellow peers. During my university studies, I gained professional experience as a member of events and marketing teams, which initially piqued my interest in public communications, planning, developing and execution of events and marketing strategies. I went back to school to get my master's degree in clinical sexology at the University of Valencia in Spain and once completed, moved to Barcelona.
Over the past year, I have worked for Sex Academy - entering the company as the marketing coordinator, sex educator and sex therapist, and in just under a year, successfully leading the expansion of the company internationally. From orchestrating a team of sex educators, negotiating sponsorships, organizing workshops and events, and leading the media campaigns in promotion of the company's presence in the U.S.
MSB: Let's turn our conversation to privacy and trust. In today's dating culture, a lot of sexual relationships or even one-night encounters begin on the internet. How do you think this has changed our perception of privacy and trust in relation to sex? Do you think people are more or less cautious? Do you think there are new tactics people are employing to ensure their own safety while dating or hooking up?
ALC: I am a bit biased here when it comes to today's dating culture behind the screen. I am a total millennial when it comes to modern dating, therefore I am very into the idea of finding partners online and on dating apps. I actually found my current partner on Tinder and we have been together for four years now.
Online dating has definitely increased and normalized hook up culture.
In some ways, I think it is fantastic. It allows us to take control and explore ourselves sexually and in the dating world. However, I do agree that it hinders our ability to commit. When we know that the next potential sex partner could only be a swipe away, we are always seeking for something better and more fulfilling, whether it be sexual or not.
MSB: With the recent COVID-19 pandemic, the world is facing a drastic shift in the way people are interacting with their partners. Many are stuck inside with their partners 24/7. How is this affecting people's ability to find privacy from and/or trust in their loved ones?
ALC: Depending on the size of your space you are sharing, I can not express enough how important privacy is during this time, especially for those who are self-quarantined in a shared space with a partner.
Erotic alone time is an excellent way to honor your sexual side during your private time.
It is important not just these days, but is something I always recommend to my clients. Erotic alone time does not always have to mean taking the time to masturbate, but doing something that makes you feel sexy. I don't mean the socially constructed idea of sexy, but whatever sexy means to you. This can be running a warm bath, lighting some candles, rubbing lotion on you in slow sultry strokes, trying on that sexy black dress with the low back and strut around your apartment in heels (or that oversized hoody your old hookup left behind). It can mean taking the day to finally analyze your vulva in a mirror. (Most women haven't!). Taking this time to really love yourself and get out of those damn pajamas is definitely essential in your everyday life during lockdown.
On the other hand, during these days we are told to constantly wash our hands, practice social distancing, told not to touch our faces, etc...let's remember to not lose sight of the importance in touching ourselves and our lovers. These times can be isolating and without remembering the value of intimacy and touch, erotic or not, we begin to feel lonely.
When it comes to trust, we have to have trust in each other that we will give ourselves and our partners the space and privacy needed, especially when quarantining in small quarters. You and your partner will overcome this if you respect each other's privacy and right to space! It is the secret and the essential ingredient to making it through this.
MSB: How have you seen the way we teach privacy and trust shifting over time? Or have you seen any shift?
ALC: Trust and privacy when it comes to dating is especially important these days. I think when we are extremely exposed these days, using dating apps, social media platforms, romantic communication through sexting and sending nude photographs, and the way technology has advanced and dating behind-the-screen, we see more cases popping up where people's images have been used against them. We want to ensure that we truly trust our partner with these very intimate images or writing in their possession. But how do we really know if we can trust them?
I think the most positive shift I have seen as of late with privacy comes down to revenge porn laws, otherwise known as Nonconsensual Pornography laws. Revenge porn is the distribution of sexually explicit images or video of individuals without their permission. Oftentimes these images or videos are used by the perpetrator to blackmail their partner into performing sexual acts, coerce them into continuing their relationship, punish them, or silence them.
Now more than ever, privacy is so important in the dating world and it will be interesting to see how laws can continue to protect victims of revenge porn.
MSB: Lastly, I'd love to know how YOU practice sexual self-care during these wild times.
ALC: Practicing sexual self care is of the utmost importance, especially during these wild times. I'd like to touch on something that I think can help keep the peace and balance between partners during this time, which is desire and the use of positive sexual communication.
Most of the time, to desire a partner requires distance, and in these days of quarantine we have anything but distance. When we think of love and we think of desire, they seem as if they should go hand-in-hand, but oftentimes are not. When we love someone, we want them. We crave that closeness and to have that person next to us. But now we are experiencing a unique time when our lover is stuck in the same closed quarters as us. We may love each other, but is it normal to feel less desirable to them? Are you feeling less desire for them? This lack of distance definitely changes up things a bit.
Issues of desire is probably the most common issue long term relationship (LTR) couples deal with. This can mean we are personally having a moment of lacking in desire, perhaps even experiencing a moment of unmatched desire with your partner. You might be the horniest you've ever been stuck inside and ready to bust out the whips and chains, while your partner is so in their head with the anxieties of what is going on outside in the world right now. In these cases, positive sexual communication is key here. Tell your partner how you feel with respect in that you might both not be on the same level as far as sexual desire goes. I encourage people to use "I statements" in these cases, telling your partner "With everything going on right now, I am just not feeling very horny lately". On the other hand, if you are the one experiencing the rejection from your partner you can lead with, "I feel extremely undesirable when my advances are dismissed." Be sure to listen to your partner and be there for them. Sexual communication can be hard but is essential. Being in a relationship is work, and you can discuss steps you both can take to work together on your issues of desire. It is possible to reignite that light!
Thank you for talking with us, Avril Louise Clarke!
You can follow Avril’s work on her website and her Instagram page.
