10 Red Flags That You Shouldn’t Tolerate in a Relationship
Being in a relationship can change your perception of things, and can help you become more empathic and patient. Feeling loved and cared for can also help with your mental health.
But it’s important to know that not all relationships are healthy and there are a lot of behaviors that can help us notice when it’s time to reconsider those relationships.
What does “red flag” mean?
Red flags are warning signs, most of the time expressed as behaviors and actions that anyone would want to consider as a “deal-breaker” in a relationship (no matter what kind of relationship we are talking about), and don’t want to escalate any further. It can be used in a conversation to refer to someone who has toxic or abusive behavior.
Red flags to look out for.
Acknowledging red flags is extremely important. In order to do it, it’s good to know what those red flags look like and why they are dangerous. This way you can put an end to toxicity before it becomes threatening.
Controlling behavior
Controlling is a very common red flag—as in someone taking away the agency you have over your life and trying to make decisions for you.
Someone trying to define your decisions, thoughts, beliefs or what is best for you (imposing their opinion and disregarding your own) is a concerning activity.
In a healthy relationship, every part acts from the understanding that the other person is able to decide what’s good for them, while being open to providing support if and when possible.
These behaviors might not seem like a big deal at first, you might think this is them just being really open about their thoughts, but controlling behavior can escalate over time into situations that impact your life deeply.
You might become isolated from your family or friends, or you might end up passing on job offers or academic opportunities just to avoid confrontation and judgment from your partner.
If you are concerned your partner is controlling, you may want to look into whether your relationship with others has changed; reach out to friends and family, reflecting upon how often you communicate with them. Also sitting down and consciously thinking if the decisions you’re making (what you wear, what you eat, what you watch, the friends you choose to hang out with) are actually what you want or if you’re being conditioned by your partner's thoughts, behaviors or judgements.
There’s nothing wrong with taking into account what your partner(s) might think about something, but when it feels like your freedom is at stake and they are making ALL decisions, even the ones that are solely about you, it’s time to reassess and reconsider this dynamic.
Lack of trust
Trust is foundational in any kind of relationship, and it’s a nuanced and delicate topic. Sometimes in relationships we are challenged to work on it really hard, and while there’s no one perfect constant amount of trust we will always have, a constant lack of it can become a problem.
If it feels like you’ve done everything to prove to your partner that they can trust you, and somehow they always seem to doubt of you; always jealous, doubting of your friends or assuming you are cheating, this might be an extension of the previous point.
Trust is important on both sides of any healthy relationship. If on the other hand you feel like no matter what they do, you still struggle to trust them, it’s time to think critically and take action towards solving this situation.
(Side note: sometimes, because of our upbringing and life experiences, trust can be something we don’t know how to go about—because what has kept us safe is doing the opposite.
You might benefit from having an open, honest and safe conversation about the trust issues you experience. Notice how your partner(s) react. If they keep the space safe and are willing to be open and vulnerable about it, maybe some counseling or individual therapy can be what you need for the relationship to thrive. If, on the other hand, it turns into a conversation where everything is your fault, it’s possible this is just them attempting to control you.)
Being constantly belittled
If someone loves you, they won’t be making you feel less or small.
In a healthy relationship, that loving someone is supposed to be committed to supporting you and uplifting you.
Relationships are spaces set to be the most vulnerable ones in our lives; we need to feel seen, understood and supported—this doesn’t mean that your partner can’t disagree with you and sometimes tell you some “harsh truths,” (like maybe you need to put more effort into any given thing so that you can get the outcomes you are hoping for), but it is a good indicator of who’s on your team and who’s not.
If your partner almost always disagrees with everything you do and has only bad words to describe you, your thoughts, your opinions and your decisions; maybe that relationship is not the safe space it is meant to be.
Physical, emotional, or mental abuse
This one is an undeniable red flag, no one should ever accept any kind of abuse in a relationship.
Physical harm is the easier one to recognize, but emotional abuse is just as common. In fact, as it is harder to recognize, it can last longer as it might be harder for people to leave relationships where the abuse is psychological rather than physical, which in the long term could have long lasting effects like PTSD.
Sadly, sometimes abuse can become something that goes unnoticed, especially when it hasn’t reached the physical type or when it’s the type of attention you are used to getting. Abuse can look like:
Being called names by your partner.
Having the sense of not being safe around them.
Being blamed for their anger or outbursts.
Noticing behavior changes in your partner when people external to your relationship are around.
Being forced to do things you are not comfortable with.
Substance abuse
Even though you may want to help someone you love to overcome their addiction, struggling with impulse control and self-destructive habits can really take a toll on a relationship.
If you or your loved one are depending on a substance, get help. If you are the person who is choosing to stay; you will need support to understand at what extent are you able to help out and when and how you need to start setting boundaries.
Addiction and compulsive behaviors require the assistance of a professional in order to be managed. Do not attempt to support this person on your own, strive to get a professional into the equation if you’re choosing to remain in this relationship.
Narcissism
Being in an intimate relationship with a narcissistic person can be an exhausting and traumatizing experience. Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition and it requires the help of a professional.
Codependency
This may not always be seen as a red flag, but having someone depending on you and the relationship you have to be able to be mentally stable and happy can cause issues such as emotional exhaustion. It also can mean that if and when the time to end the relationship comes, it can turn out more difficult than it should.
Codependency can also look like not allowing your partner to fully own their lives and decisions or even to not respect their own spaces for independence and alone-time.
Go here for resources on how to overcome codependency.
Anger issues
Everyone gets angry sometimes, but it's the way we handle it that can draw the line between safety and a red flag. If when you are in the middle of an argument your partner has the physical and “uncontrollable need” to break things, yell and curse you or others, even consider laying hands on you or hitting you; you should understand that’s a huge flag.
The lack of emotional control is definitely a red flag. It is your right to be safe and comfortable when sharing or discussing ideas with your partner.
Jealousy
Not all of us can have a “jealousy-less” relationship, but constantly being jealous of your partner’s relations and over vigilant about where they go and with who is not okay and could be considered a red flag.
Eventually, it can lead to a loss of trust, resentment and defensiveness and create other problems in the relationship. You can even distinguish between normal jealousy and unhealthy jealousy by having in mind a couple of parameters:
Frequency: how often does your partner gets jealous? How many times does it become “paranoid” behavior?
Intensity: how demanding is the questioning? Does it involve accusations?
Lack of emotional intelligence
Being emotionally intelligent includes the capacity to not only process and understand our own emotions, but to be empathic and caring for other person’s emotions. If your partner(s) can’t relate to your feelings or empathize with you, it can turn into unnecessary conflict and misunderstandings.
