What I Learned from a Practicing Dom
It all began with ‘what is BDSM.’ I had concerns about how it *really* works—the nitty-gritty. So, I got it straight from a regular 'ole person like you and me—a practicing Dom. The "Dom," aka the Dominant, is the human behind the "B" and "D" in BDSM (or maybe a little of all the letters), but you'll unfold that for yourself as we go along.
If you’re a newbie planning to submit to your partner or want to know more about what BDSM is like, this post can help.
To keep it short and simple, I’ll focus on seven key takeaways from talking with a practicing Dom. But first, the burning question on at least some of your minds—What is BDSM?!
BDSM. *clears throat*
BDSM is bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism—an umbrella term that covers it all. It can be wanting to be tied up by your partner, told what to do or trying pleasure and pain.
While it is common to presume that BDSM is kinky and painful, it doesn’t necessarily involve any sex or pain. It may act as foreplay if you want to.
Before you dip your toe into BDSM, explicit consent is a must. Informed, enthusiastic and ongoing consent. Not a nod, not a presumption. Explicit verbal consent is foremost and non-negotiable. That's right, no matter how the power dynamics play into your BDSM relationship, it should be consensual and decided upon before you get frisky!
From there, every scenario under or beyond our sun is possible! (depending on what you and your partner consent to)
7 Key Takeaways
t’s all about the c-word.
Voluntary, enthusiastic, explicit, and informed consent is crucial for any relationship. Clearly-stated consent is not the same as ‘maybe later’ or ‘I’m not sure.’
Before the Dom talked with me, we consented to what we would talk about, the acceptable terms, and what would stop it. I learned that consent is the bedrock of any relationship. When you bring power dynamics into bedroom play, consent is foremost to establish.
Do you want to give up control? What are you comfortable doing? What are your hard limits? What makes it all stop?
Consent is oxygen to a healthy D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship. When you’re enthusiastic, informed and specific about what you consent to, BDSM becomes less scary and more exciting.
For some, communicating consent can be difficult. This is one of the reasons we offer classes around sexual communication, releasing shame and understanding the brain science of how we connect to other humans. Check these out for more information and tips on how to get the conversation started.
2. Safety
The Dom taught me that safety is vital, and many BDSM relationships have a contract. This contract involves an agreement detailing what’s allowed and what isn’t. A contract can include:
Areas in which the submissive partner gives up control
Rights and responsibilities of the Dominant
Limits
Safeword to stop
Confidentiality
Termination and anything else that the partners want.
Wondering how to have a conversation about starting an agreement? Talk about your reasons for having a contract, what you want to get out of it and how it can help your relationship.
While many people in BDSM relationships don’t have a contract, it can be beneficial, especially when you begin a new relationship. Before setting up rules for a contract, remember to keep fantasy and reality separate.
3. Let’s jump into bed!
Some D/s relationships are more about mental submission. You can submit mentally when you know your Dom and feel comfortable with them. But what does it look like?
It can be anything—from waking up on time and finishing assignments to the number of orgasms allowed.
I learned that a D/s relationship could also be improvement-based. Say you want to kick a bad habit. Maybe it's procrastination, not exercising enough or sleeping too late.
The areas to improve are predefined in the contract. Every time you break the contract’s rules, you get punished. These punishments are pre-decided, ranging from sexual (orgasm control) to non-sexual (going to sleep an hour early).
If you complete your tasks, you get a pre-decided reward. And this can be the D/s part of your relationship. It doesn’t necessarily have to be about sex.
4. Ouch!
A D/s relationship doesn’t necessarily involve pain. D/s is more about mental submission to someone you trust. You have to trust before you can give up control, right? You wouldn’t follow what a stranger told you to do!
If you’re planning to explore the s/m (sadism/masochism) side, then pain is a sensation that you’ll come in close contact with. When, how, why, how much—these are the questions you and your partner can talk about beforehand.
While a D/s relationship doesn’t necessarily involve pain, sadomasochism does. Maybe you’d like to be spanked or use implements. To know the boundaries of pain, you can start slow and proceed from there. And to stop, use the agreed-upon safeword.
5. Exciting and calming at the same time.
Giving up control seems scary initially, but it’s possible and even enjoyable when you trust the person you give up control to. Only when there is an environment where you’re comfortable, feel safe and know that consent is sacred can you give up control.
“How does it feel” was my next question.
“It builds anticipation and excitement.”
I learned that super successful professionals could be submissive in a BDSM relationship. Making decisions all day long can feel tiring. So, it can be calming to give up control. Your stress levels can reduce as the Dom makes decisions for you. It can feel like a mental massage to let the Dom handle decisions for pre-decided areas. You give in to the experience.
6. Talk, talk, and then talk some more.
Communication is key to any healthy and happy relationship, especially in a BDSM relationship. When you talk with your partner about your wants, needs, and limits, it can give way to feeling safe.
The Dom told me about constant check-ins involving asking the submissive if they’re all right and want to go further or stop. The Dom also emphasized safewords.
You can decide on a word or a non-verbal cue to stop everything immediately. A submissive puts faith and trust in the Dominant, and the Dominant respects this by stopping when asked.
7. AFTERCARE
Aftercare is vital to counter sub-drop. Sub-drop is an emotional and physical low that can begin after a BDSM scene ends. The endorphin levels change and make the submissive feel low, bad or even humiliated after an experience. Aftercare can look like talking and eating or indulging in something calming.
Are you the Dominant partner? The submissive trusts you to protect, look after, care for, nurture and encourage them.
If you’re the submissive partner, remember that giving up control doesn’t strip you of the right to enjoy or stop the experience. You can and should stop the play when you want to. Remember that feeling ashamed of what you enjoy is something other people also struggle with. If you want to change that shame cycle, there are tools for learning to curb a negative self-image so that you can fully enjoy yourself.
On a personal note
Before working on this piece, I decided to learn better about submission by actually doing it. I wanted to regulate my sleep schedule better, and the Dom helped me with it. They’d ask me to go to sleep at a specific time for a few days, and I would try to follow. If I failed, I’d have to go to sleep an hour earlier the next day.
Doing this taught me a lot more about D/s than I imagined. It was weird at first, but knowing that I was 100% safe, I decided to take the plunge. And it was not a bad experience at all—I did get to sleep on time more frequently and I ended up with this piece!
